Friday Finker

In the fillum "Pulp Fiction", Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace go to dinner in 50's theme diner, Jack Rabbit Slims.
The waiters and waitresses are all dressed as 50's icons and introduce themselves as the person they're playing.

Vincent and Mia's waiter introduces himself as Buddy.

As a movie in joke to his previous fillum "Reservior Dogs", who did director Quentin Tarantino cast as Buddy Holly the waiter?

Major kudos will be given to the winner, last I checked it wasn't a credited role.

A Few Good Men

This is one of my favourite movies ever!

Directed by: Rob Reiner (This is Spinal Tap, Stand by Me, Rumour Has It, The Bucket List)
Written by: Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing, Charlie Wilson's War)

Cast:
Tom
Jack
Demi
Keifer
Kevin Bacon My lover
Funny F*cker
Lots of other marine people

Whats de story loike: Ok so these two marine guys, are on trial for the death of this other marine guy. Was it like an accident or murder?

Duh duhh duhhhhh

Veriew: So these marine guys like kill this other marine guy and Demi thinks it wasn't like them like really killing him but like someone ordered them too, like a "code red". Then Tom is hired to defend the marine guys and Demi is like his legal beeyotch. Throw Funny F*cker in there as well.

It turns out that the marine guy that was killed wanted to be transfered of like the marine base, he even offered information about this other marine guy cause he did something bad. Demi thinks this is like a motive to murdered.

The fillum does like a flash back to Jack, Keifer, and some other talking about what to do with the marine guy cause he's all moany and stuff. The other guy says they should transfer him off the base cause he could be in danger. Jack basically tells him to feck off and tells Keifer to basically whoop his ass.

Then there's all this conspiracy crap about the murder some say he was poisoned some say he wasn't. They marine that killed him claimed that they weren't trying to kill him they just wanted to like train him.

So then my lover is hired to be like the other side in the court room. Him and Tom are like buddies as well. They all meet up in Cuba with Jack and some other people. Keifer tells them that he made an order that the marine wasn't to be hurt. I suspect that he's telling porkies. Jack then says that he made an order for the marine guy to be transfered, we know this is a porkie from the flash back bit....ummmmm whats going on? Then the marine guys that are on trial tell Tom that Keifer ordered a code red. Shit officially hits the fan.

So after loads of crap and stuff they all head to court. Tom enters a plea of not guilty so we know it's gonna get all dramatic and stuff.

In court my lover claims that the marine guy was poisoned Tom says it wasn't and that the two marine guys were ordered to like kill him, more or less. My lover and Tom like question all these witness people and you don't really know where the whole case his going. Tom starts to think they'll loose.

The guy that was in the room during the flash back when Jack told Keifer all the stuff during the flash back tells Tom that the marine guy was never gonna be transfered off the base.

Duh duhh duhhhh!

Some more court stuff happens, movie gets all suspencful and stuff. Note how sexy Keifer can be when he gets pissed off. They lose one of their key witnessesses (look at me sounding all legal and stuff) and Tom gets all freaked out, Demi thinks he should put Jack on the stand and try and get him to confess. If he fecks it all up his like whole career is shot to hell.

Tom sucks it up and decides to put Jack on the stand. Tom does funny Jack impression, bit of a laugh.

The big scene.....

Jack lies and says that he ordered the marine guy to be transfered, Tom calls his bluff, Jack gets all pissed off. If the marine guy was gonna be transfered why wasn't his crap all ready.... Tom basically starts shittin himself

Cue the drama...


Tom: Jack, did you order the Code Red?
Judge Guy: You don’t have to answer that question!
Jack: I'll answer the question!

Jack: You want answers?
Tom: I think I'm entitled.
Jack: YOU WANT ANSWERS?
Tom: I want the truth!
Jack: You can’t handle the truth!

Jack: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Funny F*cker? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the marine guy, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the marine guy's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Tom: Did you order the Code Red?
Jack: I did the job I...
Tom: Did you order the Code Red?
Jack: You’re God damn right I did!

Kinda put your foot in it there Jack....

So then he's all arrested and stuff and then the marines guys that are on trial are found guilty and dishonourably discharged from the marines.....

Marine Guy #1: What did we do wrong? We did nothing wrong.
Marine Guy #2: Yeah, we did. We were supposed to fight for the people who couldn't fight for themselves. We were supposed to fight for Willie.

- hee hee hee willie

Verdict: Buy it, you can watch it over and over again and it's still all dramatic all the time. I've seen it so many times that I didn't use the internet for me quotes ha ha ha.

West Side Story

Directors:
Jerome Robbins
Robert Wise

Screenwriter:
Ernest Lehman

Book:
Arthur Laurents

Music and Lyrics:
Leanard Bernstein
Stephen Sondheim

Cast:
Lip syncing Natalie Wood (She's a fraud)
Lip syncing Richard Beymer (Ditto)

Some American ballet dancing finger clicking fruity gang bangers
Some Greek salsa/tango/mambo dancing feet stomping fruity immigrant gang bangers pretending to be Puerto Ricans.

Story:
The fruity American dancers don't like it that their 'hood is being taken over by the Greeks, probably because they dress better. The head of the fruity Americans gets a massive stiffy over the sister of the leader of the Greeks.
Shits gonna hit the fan, but not without 7 years of jazz and two of ballet training it's not.

Think "Grand Theft Auto" as imagined through the eyes of that bald gay dude from Sex and the City series after falling asleep watching Romeo and Juliet.

Veriew:
It all starts off with an extreeeeeeemly long overture that has the two gangs fighting over territory, but it really looks like they're having a dance off.

Turn pause step pivot twirl step pause click pause aaaaand pout.

The poh-leece turn up and use words like "Wiseguys" and "Hoodlums" and tell the two dance troupes to cop on. They don't.

Instead of popping some caps and sending out the word that they're the biggest and toughest gang in the whole wide world, the leader of the American fruits starts to sing and dance and his gang all stand around watching him and telling him to "Go girlfriend".
Oh, and his name is "Riff". The only way he could make that name butch is if he was a chick.

Step step twirl click shuffle finger click pause pirouette mince and jazz hands.

Back at the Greek's place and the women are fine but the men are too busy whining about not liking it in America. The women love it in America. Cue a song and dance about loving/hating living in America, called "America". Genius.

Stomp stomp clappy hands dress shaking bad pronunciation stomp stomp and pose

So the Americans and the Greeks have a war council to decide weapons for a big time rumble. They get interrupted by the poh-leece who come in and talk about everyone's ma. In the meantime the head of American's - Anto is sniffing around the sister of the head of the Greeks - Anne Marie.

So Tony is all like:

"Here, Anne Marie give us a shift"

And Anne Marie is all like:

"No way man, me brother would kill me and he'd probably burst you too"

Then Tony is all like:

"I'm not afraid of no sucker, I pity the fool!"

Then Anne Marie gets all moist at Tony's manliness and they do it everywhere. But because this is a classy film we don't see it, but I bet it was durrty.

The next day in work Anne Marie tells the girls that she's feeling pretty and then she sings a song about feeling pretty which you think would have been used in a make up or tampon commercial over the years, but whatever.

and sing and twirl and gay

So they all go to a dance, which was the natural habitat of street gangs back in the 50's, dontcha know?

At the dance the Americans and the Greeks separate the dance floor like boys and girls do at an underage junior disco. But the leader of the Greeks (Barney) sees Tony eyeing up his little sister, Anne Marie and goes apeshit.

So they all have a dance.

De de de de de de de dum dum dum dum Mambo!

Surprisingly, this doesn't seem to ease the tension between the two groups and they organise a fight under the Brooklynn bridge. The fight is to be a 2 man fight, but then Tony turns up playing the big man and in the confusion, Barney kills the uber butch Riff. This makes Tony "pity the fool" as earlier mentioned, because Riff is like his BFF. So Tony takes a knife and kills Barney.

This isn't good, because Barney is Anne Marie's brother and he's going to have to get some Quality Street or After Eights if he expects a leg over again.

So Tony goes to see Anne Marie and he tells her that he offed her bro and despite the complete lack of chocolates or flowers or a witty Limerick, he totally gets his leg over. I think they sing a song, not sure. It's highly likely that they do as it's a musical.

shag shag shag song song song and scene

So back at the American's hangout spot they're all freaking out cos Riff is brown bread. So the poh-leece come around to get some answers, but they're not the sharpest needles in the haystack so they leave with nothing.
As a celebration to the cops leaving, the Americans have a song and a dance.

sing laugh dance giggle happy happy dance laugh

The poh-leece don't like songs being sung about them, except when it's Bad Boys, so they go around to the Greek ladies place and start asking questions. But they get nothing. So the ladies have a bit of a sing, and it's all depressing. Mostly because I keep being reminded that it's not Natalie Wood singing and maybe she's getting paid way too much for half a job done. She doesn't even dance for Sondheim's sake.

In the meantime, the writers have kind of run out of songs to hold our attention so Anne Marie goes to try and save Tony because word on the street is that one of the Greeks is going to avenge the death of Barney.

She turns up to hear Tony screaming like he's on an estate in Finglas and she starts screaming too, but one of the Greeks is packing heat and pops a cap in Tony's ass.

Anne Marie is all like

"WTF? :-o"

Then all the other cast members show up, excluding the dead ones and just kind of watch Anne Marie's melt down and to cut a long story short, it ends.

Verdict:
It's a classic, despite the camp gang dancing and is one of the most successful musicals of all time, and probably the best.
I prefer the stage version because depending on the director, the Natalie Wood character shoots herself at the end too. Oh, and she doesn't lip sync.
It's a must see and chances are you know a lot of the music even if you didn't realise it before.

Rent it, buy it, watch it and click your fingers all the way through.

Pow pow chunga bang and rev us off!

Tuesday Teaser

Without using Google or IMDB, what was the registration on the licence plate of the Ghostbusters car?

Weekly Spoiler

In the Sixth Sense, John McClaine wears the same clothes all the way through the fecking fillum.

Seriously.

He wanted to change clothes, but he had a fear of red door knobs. Go figure.

Tuesday Teaser

In the fillum "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", how many times does Steve Martin say the word "fuck" to the desk clerk at the airport, when he discovers his rental car is missing?

Give up?

You're useless.

Here it is, classic.

Movie Munchie

If one is feeling a bit peckish after Dori Toh's yummy pizza baguettes I highly recommend the new Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Macadamia Ice-cream.

Its creamy chocolate ice-cream swirled with vanilla ice-cream and chocolate covered macadamia nuts.

Nummy nummy!

And also to make you feel less guilty for eating just know that the sugar, vanilla and cocoa in it are all Fairtrade ingredients.

Sex and the City (The Movie)

Directed by: Michael Patrick King (Will & Grace, Sex and the City (the series))
Written by: Michael Patrick King, Candace Bushnell (Lipstick Jungle, Sex and the City)

Cast:
Foot Face
Emmy from Mannequin
Charlotte
Lesbian
Mr.Big
Absolut Hunk (humminah humminah humminah)
Baldy
Steve
Chick from American Idol
Gay Best Friend #1
Gay Best Friend #2
Ginger Kid With No Soul

Ok so I'm sure we all know the whole Sex and the City story, the movie is a like a big giant episode.

We're re-introduced to Foot Face in the beginning, who's still with Mr.Big, still living in New York, and has written three more books.
Charlotte is still married to lovely Baldy and they have adopted Asian Baby.
Lesbian is still living in Brooklyn where we left her, with Steve and Ginger Kid With No Soul.
Emmy from Mannequin has moved to LA where she lives with and manages the Absolut Hunk.

Cut to Foot Face and Mr.Big apartment hunting together, they find a fabulous penthouse apartment, Foot Face moans about lack of closet space, Mr.Big offers to buy apartment for them both - LUCKY BITCH.

The four girls all meet up to go to an auction of fancy things that this chick that was dumped once owned. Emmy from Mannequin sees an amazing ring that she wants, she loses in the bidding war with anonymous bidder. The girls are worried about Foot Face not really owning the new apartment and not having legal rights cause Mr.Big is just her "manfriend".

Foot Face tells Mr.Big that the girls are worried, they decide to get married he offers to buy her a ring, she says she wants a big closet instead - STUPID COW.
Foot Face tells all the girls about the whole marriage thing, Emmy from Mannequin is not to happy.

In Emmy from Mannequin's office in LA she has an Absolut Hunk wall - note to self - find someone who can do that on bedroom wall.

Foot Face finds her wedding dress, it's a vintage suit, it's really cute actually.

Foot Face gets the chance to do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine, in lots of pretty wedding dresses, especially a fab Vivienne Westwood dress, which later on she sends to Foot Face. Despite the fabulous dress she still looks rather horse like.

Some more soppy stuff happens. Foot Face decides she wants the wedding in a big giant library place.

Back to Lesbian who snaps at Steve in a restaurant, they go home and have sex, she tells him to like hurry up, he gets pissed off. She tells all the girls, they discuss it, Lesbian kinda feels bad.

Foot Face heads over to Mr.Big's apartment and they start going at it on the balcony - LUCKY COW.

In LA the Absolut Hunk gives Emmy from Mannequin the ring from the auction (yes, yes he was the anonymous bidder) she gets frisky, he just wants to go to bed (it's only cause he had done seriously bad and naughty things to me earlier that day).

Back in the new penthouse Foot Face get her fabulous closet and leaves seriously sexual shoes there.

All the girls help Foot Face move out of her apartment, this is a nice chicky flicky bit in the movie.

Steve tells Lesbian that he cheated on her, she is really pissed off. She tells the girls she's leaving, they like Steve so the ask her if there is any way she could forgive him.

Foot Face continues making these big huge wedding plans, Mr.Big gets a bit pissed off cause he's been married twice before and feels like she's making the whole thing into a circus. He just wants her and not a big show. They kiss and make up....blah blah blah.

Cut to the big rehearsal dinner, everything is going great, until Steve shows up. He asks Lesbian to forgive him she gets pissed off and tells Mr.Big that he's crazy to get married and that marriage ruins everything. He starts freaking out.

The Girls are at Charlotte's house, its the night before the wedding. Mr.Big calls Foot Face and says he's having trouble writing his vows Foot Face calms in down, everything seems to be going well......

Until......

Duh duh duuuhhhhh!

The Wedding Day!
Everybody is all dressed up, and once again despite, having her hair done, fab dress on and make-up done, Foot Face still looks rather horsish.
They all arrive at the library, Mr.Big is late, he had showed up and freaked out then left. He calls Foot Face and tells her he can't go through with it. The whole shabang is called off Foot Face and the rest of the bunch all leave, then as they are driving away, Mr.Big realises he fucked up and tries to get back to the library but runs into Foot Face along the way and she bates the shite outta him with her flowers.

Cue sobbing like a baby.

They all head back to Charlotte's place, Foot Face drowns her sorrows in some yummy vodka. Lesbian tells Charlotte what she said to Mr.Big at the rehearsal dinner, she tells her not to tell Foot Face and that it probably wasn't the reason he freaked out and left.

They all decide to head to Mexico on what would've been the honeymoon. Foot Face sleeps for days wallowing in self pity.
Charlotte only wants to eat chocolate pudding cause it was made in America and she fears the Mexican food.
Foot Face wonders if she'll ever laugh or be happy again, Emmy from Mannequin wonders how she let her life revolve around a man.
Funniest bit in the film, Charlotte "poughkipsied" her pants, must be from all the chocolate pudding.

Cue a lot of laughter.

Then Foot Face moves back into her apartment, and hires Chick from American Idol to help her out. Charlotte finds out she's pregnant, with Non-Asian Child and Emmy from Mannequin tells the Absolut Hunk that she feels disconnected from him, her new job and her new life in LA. Boo hoo hoo cry me a river.

Cut to New Year's Eve. Steve comes to pick up Ginger Kid with no soul from Lesbian, is it just me or does he sometimes look "special"?? Charlotte is playing happy families with Baldy, Asian Baby and Bun In The Oven. Lesbian feels all alone and calls Foot Face, who comes over and they got all sappy, cue tears...some not a lot.

At this point I think everybody is thinking where the happily ever after and whens it gonna get here?? I'll get to it as quick as possible.

Blah blah blah.

Valentines Day. Lesbian tells Foot Face about what she said to Mr.Big at the rehearsal dinner, Foot Face freaks out a bit and tells Lesbian that she thinks she's stupid for not forgiving Steve.

Blah blah more soppy stuff.

Lesbian and Steve go to counselling and like talk things out then the counsellor chick tells them not to talk for ages and then if they are both ready and willing to forgive and forget that they meet on a bridge and everything will be all better than. So then Lesbian does some thinking and decides to go to the bridge, and for like a sec we think Steve hasn't shown up but then we see him and they kiss and make up.

Cue uncontrollable sobbing and snotting all over everything.

Blah blah more stuff happens.

At some point here Emmy from Mannequin breaks up with the Absolut Hunk - COMPLETE AND UTTER DUMBASS.

Then Charlotte sees Mr.Big and she like totally goes into labour, and he brings her to the hospital and waits until she has Non-Asian Baby. Then Foot Face shows up and Baldy tells her that Mr.Big wrote to her loads and she's all "Nuh uh!" then she goes home and finds all these lovely emails from him, cue some more tears.

Then she goes back to the Penthouse apartment to get the seriously sexual shoes that she left there, and Mr.Big is there and she runs to him and they kiss and make-up. Then he proposes to her and uses the shoes instead of a ring (sweetest thing ever, he was probably being economical in these recessionary times).

Then it cuts to them getting married in City Hall, it's just him and her the way it always should have been, and he's all lovely to her, cue some more tears...again some, not a lot.

That's more or less the end of the movie, pretty good ending I say.
Everybody lives happily ever after.

Verdict: Pretty good movie, like the kind you could watch a few times. It'd be good to watch with the girlies, during a topless slumber party* or even by yourself with a pint of ice-cream and a bottle of vodka, you know just an average night in.
I look forward to the next one, I may have to eventually let the Absolut Hunk out of my basement.




*one does not have to participate in a topless slumber party, unless they want too. I only say this so that any male readers of this post will not have there dreams shattered when they find out that all we really do at slumber parties is wear baggy clothes, pig out on bad food and bitch about them. No naked pillow fights.

Mmmmovie Munchies: baguette pizzas

Let's face it, darlings, there’s no finer late night movie snackage than a takeaway pizza, but ordering in is an expensive business. Never fear, it’s almost as easy to knock up a few of these little beauties as it is to pick up the phone and part with your hard earned cash, so next time you go shopping, throw a couple of extra bits in the trolley and movie munchies fit for a king can be yours. You’ll need:

1 french stick (or a couple of part-baked baguettes, baked according to pack instructions)
1 clove garlic
Leftover tomato sauce (or a jar of tomato pasta sauce)
1 ball of mozzarella, grated
About 100g cheddar, grated
Couple of slices ham or bacon, chopped
1 chilli
Some thyme or basil
Parmesan

So first, cut your baguettes into two or three pieces and halve each piece. Stick them under the grill for a couple of minutes until they just start to get a little brown and crisp. Next, cut your clove of garlic in half and rub all over the cut surface of the bread (you need asbestos fingers for this bit, but it’s well worth it).

Now spoon a bit of tomato sauce onto each slice, spread it about and top with a little of each cheese:

...then basically throw on any other toppings you fancy (I used slices of ham, some chopped chilli and some herbs out of the garden, but use whatever you have leftover in the fridge).

Bung them under the grill for a couple of minutes until golden and bubbling, and devour in front of the telly whilst congratulating yourself on your resourcefulness.

The Matrix

Directors and Screenwriters:
The Wath, the wach, the watchos, two blokes called Larry and Andy.

Cast:
Ted "Theodore" Logan
Ike Turner
Some chick who looks hot in leather, but not face to face
The Vendetta dude

Story:
Ted wants to get to the next level of a super addictive computer game. There's only one dude who can show him how to be better, he calls himself Morph, but that's the name of a great plasticine character from the 80's and we all know he's Ike Turner. He ain't foolin' no one.

Veriew:
Right, pay attention.

There's a chick with a silly name that reminds me of Noel V Ginnity every time I hear it and she's in a dark room dressed in PVC and leather. She looks hot in it, but not face to face.
She's trying to keep a long distance thing going, but Skype wasn't around then so the outfit is a bit redundant.
Then she gets interrupted by the poh-leece who are backed up by the Feds, the FBI, not the relatives of a Britney ex. This pisses her off majorly and she kicks the collective asses of the 5-0. The Feds come to see what the bru ha ha is and V Ginnity does a runner and faxes herself back to the office. Seriously.

So Ted "Theodore" Logan is stuck in a job as a transponster or something and he proper hates it, but he sticks at it because there's a recession on. When he's not at work he sits at home and plays a game online. I'd say it was World of Warcraft, but that wasn't around at the time, so we'll say he was addicted to playing Snake on his Nokia.

He's getting all frazzled and seeing messages that he didn't want, but we all know all he has to do it reply with "stop" and he won't get them anymore.
He goes to a massive S&M party where Ted is all like on a downer cos he lost his high score to some bird called Noel V Ginnity. So V Ginnity, tells him that Ike Turner is on to him and wants to have a bit of a chin wag to discuss Snake strategies.

So then Ted is all like "Woah"

And V Ginnity is all like "I know, right?"

So while Ted does an awesome and slightly comical air guitar and wonders what Bill s Preston Esq would do, he has to get back to work.
He's at work and he gets a rollicking for being late or Twittering on company time or something so he's sulking back at his desk when he gets a special delivery.

He opens it and it's a brand spanky new Nokia phone and he's like: "Woah, Snake 3.0 is totally on this, dude! I can't wait!"

Before he can kick back and snake it up right nice, the phone rings and it's Ike.

He's all like: "Your name is Ted, but from now on we'll call you Nemo."

Ted's like: "No way, you totally found me"

Ike's like: "I know and Disney will make a fucking fortune out of that, but for now you're in danger"

Ted's like: "Woah"

Ike's like: "I know, right?"

So Ike does some proper Jedi voodoo and gets Ted out of his cubicle and tells him to climb down the outside of the building and get away from the Feds that are there to arrest him for beating the all time high score on Snake and only leaving his initials on the scoreboard, or something.

Ted's like: "Fuck you Ike, I ain't climbing down no building like a sucker"

So Ted gets his ass arrested and pleads the 5th.

Back at the Fed's gaff, the Vendetta dude who's like in charge of the Feds, or the Headfed, if you will, is playing good cop/bad cop all by himself.

Ted flips him off and asks for his phone call, but they don't give it to him because now is not the time to be fucking about playing Snake. So they put a freaky ball gag on him and put a robot insecty thing in his belly button.

Ted's all like "Woah! WOAH WOAH, Dude, WOAH! No way, dude, NOT COOL!"

But he's all gagged and shit so it's muffled and sounds like he's face first in a laundry basket at the kinky mercy of Dot Cotton.

Dot Cotton, unavailable for comment at this time

Ted wakes up and thinks it's all a dream until the phone rings and it's Ike again. Ike wants Ted to come out and play and discuss some Snake strategies and Ted agrees.

So he gets picked up in a car by V Ginnity and the chick from Roxette and they pull the insecty thingy out of his belly button again.

They take him to see Ike and they bump fists and get down to talking about Snake strategies. Ike tells Ted that he has to take a pill to find out all about the secrets of Snake or take another one and forget all about everything.
Ted's pretty sure that he's used the pills that make people forget about stuff before and he's like "Naw man, I'll take the other one, this Snake is really bugging the shit out of me"

So he takes the proper pill and he starts tripping, like after a bowl of magic mushroom cereal and a splash of ice cold LSD kind of tripping. He freaks out and gets super paranoid so they fax him down a phone line just like V Ginnity did with herself earlier. Seriously.

Next thing we see Ted in a huge bath of pink goo with tubes coming out of everywhere and before we can even make a joke about a Michael Barrymore party, he slips down a shoot and ends up in a pool, writing the joke for us.

He gets picked up and taken to a ship that looks like reject drawings from the Alien movies. There he gets acupuncture'd up to the eyeballs and sleeps for about a month.

He meets the crew of the ship and they're all like "Dude, you're totally the one to beat Snake once and for all".

Then, all of this happens:

* Ike becomes Mr Miyagi and teaches Ted the ways of beating bullies.
* Ted visits a psychic for €2.50 a minute but she's just like the rest and tells him shit he already knows.
* The Feds capture Ike and hook him up to a machine, but if none of it is really real why would the machine work?
* The bald guy on the crew kills everybody on the ship, that's kind of important, but not really.
* Ted and V Ginnity go back to rescue Ike and shoot the place up like the best game of Duck Hunt ever.
* Ted gets shot at by the Feds and dodges bullets in a way that would make Mr Miyagi proud.


* V Ginnity and Ted get a helicopter and rescue Ike showing off the kick ass special effects.
* Vendetta guy chases Ted, a lot.
* They fight, a lot.
* They fight some more, a lot. In slow motion with rotaty cameras and everything.
* Vendetta guy pumps Ted full of lead and wrecks every one's head and high fives the Feds.
* V Ginnity tells dead Ted that she really wants a shift so he comes back to life in the game of Snake and kicks the Vendetta guys ass scaring the shit out of the Feds.
* Ted explains that he's there to free every one's mind and that you too can beat Snake even on the highest level, and flies off like Superman without warning us that the sequels are going to be more full of shit than a neglected baby's nappy.

Verdict:
This movie had it all, a crazy story line that we all secretly wanted to be true, trend setting effects and cool threads. Even if Keanu Reeves is the lead, it's still a great movie that will take you a couple of views to completely get what's going on.
Sit back, enjoy and then trawl the net for people who are convinced we all actually live in a real live game of Snake.