June 9, 2009

The Exorcist

Director:
Some dude (William Friedkin might be a more house hold name if he hadn't taken three times the schedule and a fuck load extra money to make The Exorcist. He pissed off Warner Bros good and proper.)

Screenwriter:
William Peter Blatty - He wrote the buke too.

Cast:
A couple of priests
A poh-leece dude more suspicious than Columbo playing Cluedo, but less threatening than a Care Bear helping a unicorn across the road.
An actress playing an actress.
A 12 year old with a mad case of ADD
The Paedo ghost
JC - (He doesn't actually show up, if he did his role is uncredited)

Story:
A 12 year old girl gets a bit fucked up because she messed around with an Ouija board and gets possessed by a ghost with a proper paedo name. So she gets all freaky and they bring in doctors and girl whisperers but none of them get shit done. This is before Supernanny, so they call in the priests. They call up the JC and compel us to shit ourselves.
Couldn't she just play Buckeroo! instead? That might be a fillum worth watching, a little girl possessed by the spirit of a plastic donkey. Exorcism ritual sold separately.

Veriew:
Right so there's an old priest who's in Iraq. He must be digging for oil but he'll never get anywhere pretending to be Indiana Jones with those little tools. Just as he's about to give up and give Lucy Kenneddy a buzz to make the Big Switch, he finds a little trinket. It's a nasty little devil thing.
He doesn't look happy to see it, probably because he knows that it won't sell that quickly in the local market.
It doesn't and he's still got none of that pesky oil, so he leaves the fillum in a huff but not before a massive demony statue thingy with a massive chubby shows up and waves it at him.

So with no oil, a grumpy priest and a horny demon it's no wonder the director pissed off Warner Bros. I mean if you want to blow smoke up someone's ass, make a movie about an oil diggin priest who makes demons horny, in Iraq. That should pretty much do it. So Warner Bros kicked his hole back to Washington and he gets on with the rest of the fillum.

Back in Washington there's a famous actress we've never heard of making a fillum we'll never see, it's as if the director is just flipping Warner Bros off at this point.
The actress has a daughter and house servants.
She goes home to the house servants and her daughter is playing in the basement with the Ouija board and the paedo ghost. The ghost calls himself Captain Howdy. It's at this point that I wonder how many times that appears on sex registers around the world.

While I'm wondering this, we get introduced to another priest and I realise that there might be a religious undertone to this fillum. The priest's mother is sick and he's losing his faith and I'm sure something else happened but I went for a whizz.

When I got back the daughter was in the hosdible getting all kinds of freaky shit done to her by the doctors and girl whisperers. She's acting really weird and using language that would make a drunk sailor blush so she gets sent home. Her mother hasn't the foggiest notion what to be doing, so she does the responsible thing and has a party in her gaff for all her fillum buddies. She instantly becomes a role model for mothers everywhere. Then another different priest turns up at the party and now I'm certain that there's an undertone of religion to the fillum and I try to pay attention to figure it out.

As I'm right in the middle of paying attention, the second priest's mother dies.

Back at the party and the daughter comes down to see what all the commotion is and witnesses a sing song in the living room. Like all people in the world, she hates sing songs at the ends of parties and as a sign of protest, she cocks her leg and marks her territory all over the floor. That'll learn them to have a fucking sing song, bastards. Take that, society.

So the actress takes her daughter back to the doctors and they still don't know shit. They suggest a priest do an exorcism, but she doesn't know where to find one. Oh, wait.

While all of this is going on, the director of the movie we'll never see gets thrown out of the daughters window and inspires a new home video series "When falls go bad". He dies and the non threatening Poh-leece turn up and start asking questions.

With the daughter now good and properly possessed by demons she starts doing things like backwards crab walks down the stairs and making a woman out of herself with the help of a crucifix and getting caught up in the moment and ordering her mother to chow down on her. But we've all had trouble with teenage hormones, so it might not be the paedo demons.
Might not be, but is.

Duh duh duuuuhhhhhh.

So the priest with no faith comes over to see what the dillyeo is and sees a young girl tied to a four poster bed with no witnesses. I know what you're thinking - a priest all alone with a young girl all tied up to a four poster bed with no witnesses, I thought the same thing.

What 12 year old has a four poster bed?

The priest was thinking the same thing and just as he's trying to get his head around this the little wench hurls all over him. Proper projectile-been-out-the-night-before-and-had-17-jagerbombs-followed-by-a-giant-house-special-kebab kind of vomiting.
Properly grossed out he's all like OMG, WTF? And the demon is all like ROFL sucker, who you gonna call?

So he goes and calls his peeps and he's all like "Dudes, she's totally possessed and shit"

And they're like "For real bro?"

And he's like "Fo sho"

So he kisses the older priests ring and the older priest from the start of the fillum shows up and he's all like "I'm gonna get that demon fucker, he's the one that shook his mickey at me back in Iraq"

It's so on.

Back in the daughter's bedroom and the priests are gearing for the ultimate smackdown. The demon thinks this is hilarious and asks the older priest to fuck it in the ass. He contemplates it but gets distracted by the thought of a 12 year old with her own 4 poster bed and she vomits on him too.

The other priest is all like "Aw, snap dawg. That shit happened me, it's well funny when it happens to someone else though"

So the showdown happens with lots of shouting and screaming and holy water and then the daughter levitates up off the bed in a move that Keith Barry would wet himself to be able to do. Then they start shouting that the power of Christ compels her, but they shout it so many times I start to think how good it might sell if I put a drum and bass line under it.

The demons make her turn her head around and all other kinds of freaky shit. We don't get to see it, but while the younger priest is out the demon probably shook his mickey at the older priest again, because when we see him he's brown bread. He's brown breader than the Green Party and the demon nearly shits itself laughing at the whole thing.

The younger priest, with a new found faith goes ape shit and beats the holy b'jesus out of the daughter and tells the demon to posses him instead. It does and he jumps out the same window that the director was pushed out of. He falls down the steps and gets brown bread himsmelf.

The girl is all better now and everyone lives happily ever after. Apart from the people who are brown bread obviously. They all go on to live long lives until some loser came along and made The Exorcist 2 - The Return of the Mickey Shaker.

Verdict:
Quite easily the scariest movie I have ever seen and it remains to be no matter what rubbish wannabe horror movie makers want to conjour up.
Turn the lights out, watch it on your own and then try to go to bed. I dare you.