June 18, 2009

The Matrix

Directors and Screenwriters:
The Wath, the wach, the watchos, two blokes called Larry and Andy.

Ted "Theodore" Logan
Ike Turner
Some chick who looks hot in leather, but not face to face
The Vendetta dude

Ted wants to get to the next level of a super addictive computer game. There's only one dude who can show him how to be better, he calls himself Morph, but that's the name of a great plasticine character from the 80's and we all know he's Ike Turner. He ain't foolin' no one.

Right, pay attention.

There's a chick with a silly name that reminds me of Noel V Ginnity every time I hear it and she's in a dark room dressed in PVC and leather. She looks hot in it, but not face to face.
She's trying to keep a long distance thing going, but Skype wasn't around then so the outfit is a bit redundant.
Then she gets interrupted by the poh-leece who are backed up by the Feds, the FBI, not the relatives of a Britney ex. This pisses her off majorly and she kicks the collective asses of the 5-0. The Feds come to see what the bru ha ha is and V Ginnity does a runner and faxes herself back to the office. Seriously.

So Ted "Theodore" Logan is stuck in a job as a transponster or something and he proper hates it, but he sticks at it because there's a recession on. When he's not at work he sits at home and plays a game online. I'd say it was World of Warcraft, but that wasn't around at the time, so we'll say he was addicted to playing Snake on his Nokia.

He's getting all frazzled and seeing messages that he didn't want, but we all know all he has to do it reply with "stop" and he won't get them anymore.
He goes to a massive S&M party where Ted is all like on a downer cos he lost his high score to some bird called Noel V Ginnity. So V Ginnity, tells him that Ike Turner is on to him and wants to have a bit of a chin wag to discuss Snake strategies.

So then Ted is all like "Woah"

And V Ginnity is all like "I know, right?"

So while Ted does an awesome and slightly comical air guitar and wonders what Bill s Preston Esq would do, he has to get back to work.
He's at work and he gets a rollicking for being late or Twittering on company time or something so he's sulking back at his desk when he gets a special delivery.

He opens it and it's a brand spanky new Nokia phone and he's like: "Woah, Snake 3.0 is totally on this, dude! I can't wait!"

Before he can kick back and snake it up right nice, the phone rings and it's Ike.

He's all like: "Your name is Ted, but from now on we'll call you Nemo."

Ted's like: "No way, you totally found me"

Ike's like: "I know and Disney will make a fucking fortune out of that, but for now you're in danger"

Ted's like: "Woah"

Ike's like: "I know, right?"

So Ike does some proper Jedi voodoo and gets Ted out of his cubicle and tells him to climb down the outside of the building and get away from the Feds that are there to arrest him for beating the all time high score on Snake and only leaving his initials on the scoreboard, or something.

Ted's like: "Fuck you Ike, I ain't climbing down no building like a sucker"

So Ted gets his ass arrested and pleads the 5th.

Back at the Fed's gaff, the Vendetta dude who's like in charge of the Feds, or the Headfed, if you will, is playing good cop/bad cop all by himself.

Ted flips him off and asks for his phone call, but they don't give it to him because now is not the time to be fucking about playing Snake. So they put a freaky ball gag on him and put a robot insecty thing in his belly button.

Ted's all like "Woah! WOAH WOAH, Dude, WOAH! No way, dude, NOT COOL!"

But he's all gagged and shit so it's muffled and sounds like he's face first in a laundry basket at the kinky mercy of Dot Cotton.

Dot Cotton, unavailable for comment at this time

Ted wakes up and thinks it's all a dream until the phone rings and it's Ike again. Ike wants Ted to come out and play and discuss some Snake strategies and Ted agrees.

So he gets picked up in a car by V Ginnity and the chick from Roxette and they pull the insecty thingy out of his belly button again.

They take him to see Ike and they bump fists and get down to talking about Snake strategies. Ike tells Ted that he has to take a pill to find out all about the secrets of Snake or take another one and forget all about everything.
Ted's pretty sure that he's used the pills that make people forget about stuff before and he's like "Naw man, I'll take the other one, this Snake is really bugging the shit out of me"

So he takes the proper pill and he starts tripping, like after a bowl of magic mushroom cereal and a splash of ice cold LSD kind of tripping. He freaks out and gets super paranoid so they fax him down a phone line just like V Ginnity did with herself earlier. Seriously.

Next thing we see Ted in a huge bath of pink goo with tubes coming out of everywhere and before we can even make a joke about a Michael Barrymore party, he slips down a shoot and ends up in a pool, writing the joke for us.

He gets picked up and taken to a ship that looks like reject drawings from the Alien movies. There he gets acupuncture'd up to the eyeballs and sleeps for about a month.

He meets the crew of the ship and they're all like "Dude, you're totally the one to beat Snake once and for all".

Then, all of this happens:

* Ike becomes Mr Miyagi and teaches Ted the ways of beating bullies.
* Ted visits a psychic for €2.50 a minute but she's just like the rest and tells him shit he already knows.
* The Feds capture Ike and hook him up to a machine, but if none of it is really real why would the machine work?
* The bald guy on the crew kills everybody on the ship, that's kind of important, but not really.
* Ted and V Ginnity go back to rescue Ike and shoot the place up like the best game of Duck Hunt ever.
* Ted gets shot at by the Feds and dodges bullets in a way that would make Mr Miyagi proud.

* V Ginnity and Ted get a helicopter and rescue Ike showing off the kick ass special effects.
* Vendetta guy chases Ted, a lot.
* They fight, a lot.
* They fight some more, a lot. In slow motion with rotaty cameras and everything.
* Vendetta guy pumps Ted full of lead and wrecks every one's head and high fives the Feds.
* V Ginnity tells dead Ted that she really wants a shift so he comes back to life in the game of Snake and kicks the Vendetta guys ass scaring the shit out of the Feds.
* Ted explains that he's there to free every one's mind and that you too can beat Snake even on the highest level, and flies off like Superman without warning us that the sequels are going to be more full of shit than a neglected baby's nappy.

This movie had it all, a crazy story line that we all secretly wanted to be true, trend setting effects and cool threads. Even if Keanu Reeves is the lead, it's still a great movie that will take you a couple of views to completely get what's going on.
Sit back, enjoy and then trawl the net for people who are convinced we all actually live in a real live game of Snake.