August 10, 2009

The Notebook


Directed by:
Who cares?

Written by:
Some dude.

Starring:
Random pretty boy lead man
Random kinda pretty lead woman with a huge forehead vein that kept looking at me
James Garner

Story:
Something to do with a notebook, probably.

Veriew:
Didn't really get the jist of what was happenning. It was a really short fillum. One minute the opening scene is taking place, then nothing. Then I get an elbow in the ribs as the closing credits roll. She's all teary eyed and I'm thinking I didn't miss much.

Verdict:
Possibly a huge steaming pile of meh. Good nap though.

August 3, 2009

Movie Munchies


Peanut M&M's

Ordinary M&M's are fine in moderation, but people who eat them all the time and prefer them to their peanutty cousins are not to be trusted. The peanut variety give the crunchy, melty, sweet and kind of savoury goodness that makes a party in your mouth.

Munch them whole like an M&M monster and cause noise to distract everyone else in the room from the fillum, or suck them until you get to the peanut treasure in the center and then devour that bad boy triumphantly.

But like Skittles, they must be colour co-ordinated or your family will die.

July 29, 2009

Donnie Darko

Director / Writer:
Richard Kelly

Cast:
Jake Gyllenhaal (The gay cowboy that gave Heath Ledger AIDS and killed him)
Maggie Gyllenhall (The hot sister. The. Hot. Sister.)
Patrick Swayze (Back from bothering Whoopi Goldberg from the dead and reincarnated as a kiddie fiddler)
Some other people

Story:
Time travel without a DeLorean. Donnie knows the secrets of time travel but everyone thinks he's crazy so he gets sent to therapy where he masturbates in the office. We find out why Harvey was invisible all those years ago. Mother nature sat on his face and hatched out an ugmeister.

Veriew:
A Jumbo jet engines falling through the sky and distracting me from Donnie's hot sister while Donnie is in therapy for burning things that the weird ugly rabbit told him to do and he does all of them because he thinks he can travel through time and just when he thinks he has it sussed Patrick Swayze turns out to be a kiddie fiddler but it's ok really because Donnie's sister is still hot and then Donnie's bit of fluff gets run over by the weird ugly rabbit who turns out to be a dude in a rabbit suit that he was seeing from the future, so maybe he can travel through time, so he gets on a plane to try and prove it but the engine from the wing falls off and crashes into his house below killing him because he was in bed at the same time as being on the plane.

Verdict:
Donnie has a hot sister. Everything else is just filler as far as I can tell. I've watched it twice and still don't understand it, but critics seem to love it.

July 23, 2009

Finding Nemo


Written and Directed by: Andrew Stanton (Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Monster's Inc, WALL-E, he won two Oscars as well, that's pretty cool).

Cast:
(Just gonna list the people you'd actually know)
Ellen DeGeneres
William Defoe
Brad Garrett (funny guy)
Allison Janney
Elizabeth Perkins
Eric Bana (sexy ozzie boy!)
Dewey from Malcom In The Middle

Life in the ocean is full of scary crap when your only a tiny clown fish. For Marlin a widower fishy, who does everything to protect is son Nemo, there is lots and lots of scary stuff.
When it comes time for Nemo to spread his wings fins and go to school, Marlin brings him, but agonises over every move Nemo makes. Then Nemo is bold and swims off beyond the reef to the "drop off" to look at a big but boat, he's then like kidnapped my a diver guy as Marlin watches on, helplessly.

Marlin starts having like a holy hairy conniption and goes looking for him. In the beginning of his big adventure looking for his son, he meets Dory, a girl blue fishy who offers him help. There's a problem as Dory suffers from short term memory loss and forgets stuff just after it happens.

Together the two set out on the mad adventure to find Nemo.


Now Nemo is in a fish tank in a dentists office in Sydney, with a bunch of other fishys. William Defoe is like the leader fish guy, he also came from the ocean and dreams of going back there one day. Along with William Defoe and Nemo in the fish tank there's a starfish named Peach, an erratic blow fishy named Bloat, Bubbles a yellow fishy who's obsessed with bubbles, a french Shrimp named Jacques who's a bit OCD, a germophobe fishy named Gurgle, and my favourite in the tank is a black fishy named Deb who believes her reflection is her twin sister Flo, very funny
stuff.


They all initiate Nemo into their gang, this is one of my favourite bits in the movie the whole "Sharkbate ooh ha ha!" and the "mount wanna-hock-a-loogie!" ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

Marlin and Dory get themselves into a bit of trouble with some sharks, a freaky looking creature thing and loadsa jellyfish along the way. The sharks are great they are in like a self help programme to improve their image from "mindless eating machines".


They also have a run in with a blue whale, Dory can speak whale - that's some funny stuff. They ride along the East Australian Current with some cool turtles, and nearly get attacked by the funny seagulls, on the way to get Nemo in Sydney.


News of all the wild adventures, and shark dodging spread across the ocean, and word of his fearless father eventually gets to Nemo in the fish tank. Nemo is so happy when he learns of his father's adventure to find him.

With William Defoe's help Nemo tries to find a way to escape to the ocean to his father, but he has to hurry cause the dentist's evil ginger niece is coming the next day and Nemo is like her birthday present.


When they arrive in Sydney they get some help from Nigel, a pelican who heard all about their adventures.

As the clock ticks on and things getting in both their ways, Nemo and Marlin fight everything to be reunited with each other.

With the help of the gang in the fish tank and some other ocean friends, Nemo and Marlin are eventually back together but not before some more scary stuff goes down. Marlin then realises that he needs to not be so over protective of Nemo, and all is happy jolly again in the big ol'blue.

Best Bit:

Dory: No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you. I do, look. P. Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget.
Marlin:I'm sorry, Dory. But I... do.


(Where's me tissues...)

July 21, 2009

Tuesday Teaser


For "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?", what process of the film took up most of the budget?

Hint - It wasn't the animation.

July 17, 2009

Friday Finker

In the fillum "Pulp Fiction", Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace go to dinner in 50's theme diner, Jack Rabbit Slims.
The waiters and waitresses are all dressed as 50's icons and introduce themselves as the person they're playing.

Vincent and Mia's waiter introduces himself as Buddy.

As a movie in joke to his previous fillum "Reservior Dogs", who did director Quentin Tarantino cast as Buddy Holly the waiter?

Major kudos will be given to the winner, last I checked it wasn't a credited role.

July 10, 2009

A Few Good Men

This is one of my favourite movies ever!


Directed by: Rob Reiner (This is Spinal Tap, Stand by Me, Rumour Has It, The Bucket List)
Written by: Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing, Charlie Wilson's War)

Cast:
Tom
Jack
Demi
Keifer
Kevin Bacon My lover
Funny F*cker
Lots of other marine people

Whats de story loike: Ok so these two marine guys, are on trial for the death of this other marine guy. Was it like an accident or murder?

Duh duhh duhhhhh

Veriew: So these marine guys like kill this other marine guy and Demi thinks it wasn't like them like really killing him but like someone ordered them too, like a "code red". Then Tom is hired to defend the marine guys and Demi is like his legal beeyotch. Throw Funny F*cker in there as well.

It turns out that the marine guy that was killed wanted to be transfered of like the marine base, he even offered information about this other marine guy cause he did something bad. Demi thinks this is like a motive to murdered.

The fillum does like a flash back to Jack, Keifer, and some other talking about what to do with the marine guy cause he's all moany and stuff. The other guy says they should transfer him off the base cause he could be in danger. Jack basically tells him to feck off and tells Keifer to basically whoop his ass.

Then there's all this conspiracy crap about the murder some say he was poisoned some say he wasn't. They marine that killed him claimed that they weren't trying to kill him they just wanted to like train him.

So then my lover is hired to be like the other side in the court room. Him and Tom are like buddies as well. They all meet up in Cuba with Jack and some other people. Keifer tells them that he made an order that the marine wasn't to be hurt. I suspect that he's telling porkies. Jack then says that he made an order for the marine guy to be transfered, we know this is a porkie from the flash back bit....ummmmm whats going on? Then the marine guys that are on trial tell Tom that Keifer ordered a code red. Shit officially hits the fan.

So after loads of crap and stuff they all head to court. Tom enters a plea of not guilty so we know it's gonna get all dramatic and stuff.

In court my lover claims that the marine guy was poisoned Tom says it wasn't and that the two marine guys were ordered to like kill him, more or less. My lover and Tom like question all these witness people and you don't really know where the whole case his going. Tom starts to think they'll loose.

The guy that was in the room during the flash back when Jack told Keifer all the stuff during the flash back tells Tom that the marine guy was never gonna be transfered off the base.

Duh duhh duhhhh!

Some more court stuff happens, movie gets all suspencful and stuff. Note how sexy Keifer can be when he gets pissed off. They lose one of their key witnessesses (look at me sounding all legal and stuff) and Tom gets all freaked out, Demi thinks he should put Jack on the stand and try and get him to confess. If he fecks it all up his like whole career is shot to hell.

Tom sucks it up and decides to put Jack on the stand. Tom does funny Jack impression, bit of a laugh.

The big scene.....

Jack lies and says that he ordered the marine guy to be transfered, Tom calls his bluff, Jack gets all pissed off. If the marine guy was gonna be transfered why wasn't his crap all ready.... Tom basically starts shittin himself

Cue the drama...


Tom: Jack, did you order the Code Red?
Judge Guy: You don’t have to answer that question!
Jack: I'll answer the question!

Jack: You want answers?
Tom: I think I'm entitled.
Jack: YOU WANT ANSWERS?
Tom: I want the truth!
Jack: You can’t handle the truth!

Jack: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Funny F*cker? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the marine guy, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the marine guy's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Tom: Did you order the Code Red?
Jack: I did the job I...
Tom: Did you order the Code Red?
Jack: You’re God damn right I did!

Kinda put your foot in it there Jack....

So then he's all arrested and stuff and then the marines guys that are on trial are found guilty and dishonourably discharged from the marines.....

Marine Guy #1: What did we do wrong? We did nothing wrong.
Marine Guy #2: Yeah, we did. We were supposed to fight for the people who couldn't fight for themselves. We were supposed to fight for Willie.

- hee hee hee willie

Verdict: Buy it, you can watch it over and over again and it's still all dramatic all the time. I've seen it so many times that I didn't use the internet for me quotes ha ha ha.

July 9, 2009

West Side Story


Directors:
Jerome Robbins
Robert Wise

Screenwriter:
Ernest Lehman

Book:
Arthur Laurents

Music and Lyrics:
Leanard Bernstein
Stephen Sondheim

Cast:
Lip syncing Natalie Wood (She's a fraud)
Lip syncing Richard Beymer (Ditto)

Some American ballet dancing finger clicking fruity gang bangers
Some Greek salsa/tango/mambo dancing feet stomping fruity immigrant gang bangers pretending to be Puerto Ricans.

Story:
The fruity American dancers don't like it that their 'hood is being taken over by the Greeks, probably because they dress better. The head of the fruity Americans gets a massive stiffy over the sister of the leader of the Greeks.
Shits gonna hit the fan, but not without 7 years of jazz and two of ballet training it's not.

Think "Grand Theft Auto" as imagined through the eyes of that bald gay dude from Sex and the City series after falling asleep watching Romeo and Juliet.

Veriew:
It all starts off with an extreeeeeeemly long overture that has the two gangs fighting over territory, but it really looks like they're having a dance off.

Turn pause step pivot twirl step pause click pause aaaaand pout.

The poh-leece turn up and use words like "Wiseguys" and "Hoodlums" and tell the two dance troupes to cop on. They don't.

Instead of popping some caps and sending out the word that they're the biggest and toughest gang in the whole wide world, the leader of the American fruits starts to sing and dance and his gang all stand around watching him and telling him to "Go girlfriend".
Oh, and his name is "Riff". The only way he could make that name butch is if he was a chick.

Step step twirl click shuffle finger click pause pirouette mince and jazz hands.

Back at the Greek's place and the women are fine but the men are too busy whining about not liking it in America. The women love it in America. Cue a song and dance about loving/hating living in America, called "America". Genius.

Stomp stomp clappy hands dress shaking bad pronunciation stomp stomp and pose

So the Americans and the Greeks have a war council to decide weapons for a big time rumble. They get interrupted by the poh-leece who come in and talk about everyone's ma. In the meantime the head of American's - Anto is sniffing around the sister of the head of the Greeks - Anne Marie.

So Tony is all like:

"Here, Anne Marie give us a shift"

And Anne Marie is all like:

"No way man, me brother would kill me and he'd probably burst you too"

Then Tony is all like:

"I'm not afraid of no sucker, I pity the fool!"

Then Anne Marie gets all moist at Tony's manliness and they do it everywhere. But because this is a classy film we don't see it, but I bet it was durrty.

The next day in work Anne Marie tells the girls that she's feeling pretty and then she sings a song about feeling pretty which you think would have been used in a make up or tampon commercial over the years, but whatever.

and sing and twirl and gay

So they all go to a dance, which was the natural habitat of street gangs back in the 50's, dontcha know?

At the dance the Americans and the Greeks separate the dance floor like boys and girls do at an underage junior disco. But the leader of the Greeks (Barney) sees Tony eyeing up his little sister, Anne Marie and goes apeshit.

So they all have a dance.

De de de de de de de dum dum dum dum Mambo!

Surprisingly, this doesn't seem to ease the tension between the two groups and they organise a fight under the Brooklynn bridge. The fight is to be a 2 man fight, but then Tony turns up playing the big man and in the confusion, Barney kills the uber butch Riff. This makes Tony "pity the fool" as earlier mentioned, because Riff is like his BFF. So Tony takes a knife and kills Barney.
This isn't good, because Barney is Anne Marie's brother and he's going to have to get some Quality Street or After Eights if he expects a leg over again.

So Tony goes to see Anne Marie and he tells her that he offed her bro and despite the complete lack of chocolates or flowers or a witty Limerick, he totally gets his leg over. I think they sing a song, not sure. It's highly likely that they do as it's a musical.

shag shag shag song song song and scene

So back at the American's hangout spot they're all freaking out cos Riff is brown bread. So the poh-leece come around to get some answers, but they're not the sharpest needles in the haystack so they leave with nothing.
As a celebration to the cops leaving, the Americans have a song and a dance.

sing laugh dance giggle happy happy dance laugh

The poh-leece don't like songs being sung about them, except when it's Bad Boys, so they go around to the Greek ladies place and start asking questions. But they get nothing. So the ladies have a bit of a sing, and it's all depressing. Mostly because I keep being reminded that it's not Natalie Wood singing and maybe she's getting paid way too much for half a job done. She doesn't even dance for Sondheim's sake.

In the meantime, the writers have kind of run out of songs to hold our attention so Anne Marie goes to try and save Tony because word on the street is that one of the Greeks is going to avenge the death of Barney.

She turns up to hear Tony screaming like he's on an estate in Finglas and she starts screaming too, but one of the Greeks is packing heat and pops a cap in Tony's ass.

Anne Marie is all like

"WTF? :-o"

Then all the other cast members show up, excluding the dead ones and just kind of watch Anne Marie's melt down and to cut a long story short, it ends.

Verdict:
It's a classic, despite the camp gang dancing and is one of the most successful musicals of all time, and probably the best.
I prefer the stage version because depending on the director, the Natalie Wood character shoots herself at the end too. Oh, and she doesn't lip sync.
It's a must see and chances are you know a lot of the music even if you didn't realise it before.

Rent it, buy it, watch it and click your fingers all the way through.

Pow pow chunga bang and rev us off!

July 7, 2009

Tuesday Teaser

Without using Google or IMDB, what was the registration on the licence plate of the Ghostbusters car?

July 6, 2009

Weekly Spoiler

In the Sixth Sense, John McClaine wears the same clothes all the way through the fecking fillum.

Seriously.


He wanted to change clothes, but he had a fear of red door knobs. Go figure.