June 30, 2009

Tuesday Teaser

In the fillum "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", how many times does Steve Martin say the word "fuck" to the desk clerk at the airport, when he discovers his rental car is missing?

Give up?

You're useless.

Here it is, classic.


June 27, 2009

Movie Munchie

If one is feeling a bit peckish after Dori Toh's yummy pizza baguettes I highly recommend the new Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Macadamia Ice-cream.

Its creamy chocolate ice-cream swirled with vanilla ice-cream and chocolate covered macadamia nuts.

Nummy nummy!

And also to make you feel less guilty for eating just know that the sugar, vanilla and cocoa in it are all Fairtrade ingredients.



June 24, 2009

Sex and the City (The Movie)

Directed by: Michael Patrick King (Will & Grace, Sex and the City (the series))
Written by: Michael Patrick King, Candace Bushnell (Lipstick Jungle, Sex and the City)

Cast:
Foot Face
Emmy from Mannequin
Charlotte
Lesbian
Mr.Big
Absolut Hunk (humminah humminah humminah)
Baldy
Steve
Chick from American Idol
Gay Best Friend #1
Gay Best Friend #2
Ginger Kid With No Soul

Ok so I'm sure we all know the whole Sex and the City story, the movie is a like a big giant episode.

We're re-introduced to Foot Face in the beginning, who's still with Mr.Big, still living in New York, and has written three more books.
Charlotte is still married to lovely Baldy and they have adopted Asian Baby.
Lesbian is still living in Brooklyn where we left her, with Steve and Ginger Kid With No Soul.
Emmy from Mannequin has moved to LA where she lives with and manages the Absolut Hunk.

Cut to Foot Face and Mr.Big apartment hunting together, they find a fabulous penthouse apartment, Foot Face moans about lack of closet space, Mr.Big offers to buy apartment for them both - LUCKY BITCH.

The four girls all meet up to go to an auction of fancy things that this chick that was dumped once owned. Emmy from Mannequin sees an amazing ring that she wants, she loses in the bidding war with anonymous bidder. The girls are worried about Foot Face not really owning the new apartment and not having legal rights cause Mr.Big is just her "manfriend".

Foot Face tells Mr.Big that the girls are worried, they decide to get married he offers to buy her a ring, she says she wants a big closet instead - STUPID COW.
Foot Face tells all the girls about the whole marriage thing, Emmy from Mannequin is not to happy.

In Emmy from Mannequin's office in LA she has an Absolut Hunk wall - note to self - find someone who can do that on bedroom wall.

Foot Face finds her wedding dress, it's a vintage suit, it's really cute actually.

Foot Face gets the chance to do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine, in lots of pretty wedding dresses, especially a fab Vivienne Westwood dress, which later on she sends to Foot Face. Despite the fabulous dress she still looks rather horse like.

Some more soppy stuff happens. Foot Face decides she wants the wedding in a big giant library place.

Back to Lesbian who snaps at Steve in a restaurant, they go home and have sex, she tells him to like hurry up, he gets pissed off. She tells all the girls, they discuss it, Lesbian kinda feels bad.

Foot Face heads over to Mr.Big's apartment and they start going at it on the balcony - LUCKY COW.

In LA the Absolut Hunk gives Emmy from Mannequin the ring from the auction (yes, yes he was the anonymous bidder) she gets frisky, he just wants to go to bed (it's only cause he had done seriously bad and naughty things to me earlier that day).

Back in the new penthouse Foot Face get her fabulous closet and leaves seriously sexual shoes there.

All the girls help Foot Face move out of her apartment, this is a nice chicky flicky bit in the movie.

Steve tells Lesbian that he cheated on her, she is really pissed off. She tells the girls she's leaving, they like Steve so the ask her if there is any way she could forgive him.

Foot Face continues making these big huge wedding plans, Mr.Big gets a bit pissed off cause he's been married twice before and feels like she's making the whole thing into a circus. He just wants her and not a big show. They kiss and make up....blah blah blah.

Cut to the big rehearsal dinner, everything is going great, until Steve shows up. He asks Lesbian to forgive him she gets pissed off and tells Mr.Big that he's crazy to get married and that marriage ruins everything. He starts freaking out.

The Girls are at Charlotte's house, its the night before the wedding. Mr.Big calls Foot Face and says he's having trouble writing his vows Foot Face calms in down, everything seems to be going well......

Until......

Duh duh duuuhhhhh!

The Wedding Day!
Everybody is all dressed up, and once again despite, having her hair done, fab dress on and make-up done, Foot Face still looks rather horsish.
They all arrive at the library, Mr.Big is late, he had showed up and freaked out then left. He calls Foot Face and tells her he can't go through with it. The whole shabang is called off Foot Face and the rest of the bunch all leave, then as they are driving away, Mr.Big realises he fucked up and tries to get back to the library but runs into Foot Face along the way and she bates the shite outta him with her flowers.

Cue sobbing like a baby.

They all head back to Charlotte's place, Foot Face drowns her sorrows in some yummy vodka. Lesbian tells Charlotte what she said to Mr.Big at the rehearsal dinner, she tells her not to tell Foot Face and that it probably wasn't the reason he freaked out and left.

They all decide to head to Mexico on what would've been the honeymoon. Foot Face sleeps for days wallowing in self pity.
Charlotte only wants to eat chocolate pudding cause it was made in America and she fears the Mexican food.
Foot Face wonders if she'll ever laugh or be happy again, Emmy from Mannequin wonders how she let her life revolve around a man.
Funniest bit in the film, Charlotte "poughkipsied" her pants, must be from all the chocolate pudding.

Cue a lot of laughter.

Then Foot Face moves back into her apartment, and hires Chick from American Idol to help her out. Charlotte finds out she's pregnant, with Non-Asian Child and Emmy from Mannequin tells the Absolut Hunk that she feels disconnected from him, her new job and her new life in LA. Boo hoo hoo cry me a river.

Cut to New Year's Eve. Steve comes to pick up Ginger Kid with no soul from Lesbian, is it just me or does he sometimes look "special"?? Charlotte is playing happy families with Baldy, Asian Baby and Bun In The Oven. Lesbian feels all alone and calls Foot Face, who comes over and they got all sappy, cue tears...some not a lot.

At this point I think everybody is thinking where the happily ever after and whens it gonna get here?? I'll get to it as quick as possible.

Blah blah blah.

Valentines Day. Lesbian tells Foot Face about what she said to Mr.Big at the rehearsal dinner, Foot Face freaks out a bit and tells Lesbian that she thinks she's stupid for not forgiving Steve.

Blah blah more soppy stuff.

Lesbian and Steve go to counselling and like talk things out then the counsellor chick tells them not to talk for ages and then if they are both ready and willing to forgive and forget that they meet on a bridge and everything will be all better than. So then Lesbian does some thinking and decides to go to the bridge, and for like a sec we think Steve hasn't shown up but then we see him and they kiss and make up.

Cue uncontrollable sobbing and snotting all over everything.

Blah blah more stuff happens.

At some point here Emmy from Mannequin breaks up with the Absolut Hunk - COMPLETE AND UTTER DUMBASS.

Then Charlotte sees Mr.Big and she like totally goes into labour, and he brings her to the hospital and waits until she has Non-Asian Baby. Then Foot Face shows up and Baldy tells her that Mr.Big wrote to her loads and she's all "Nuh uh!" then she goes home and finds all these lovely emails from him, cue some more tears.

Then she goes back to the Penthouse apartment to get the seriously sexual shoes that she left there, and Mr.Big is there and she runs to him and they kiss and make-up. Then he proposes to her and uses the shoes instead of a ring (sweetest thing ever, he was probably being economical in these recessionary times).

Then it cuts to them getting married in City Hall, it's just him and her the way it always should have been, and he's all lovely to her, cue some more tears...again some, not a lot.

That's more or less the end of the movie, pretty good ending I say.
Everybody lives happily ever after.

Verdict: Pretty good movie, like the kind you could watch a few times. It'd be good to watch with the girlies, during a topless slumber party* or even by yourself with a pint of ice-cream and a bottle of vodka, you know just an average night in.
I look forward to the next one, I may have to eventually let the Absolut Hunk out of my basement.




*one does not have to participate in a topless slumber party, unless they want too. I only say this so that any male readers of this post will not have there dreams shattered when they find out that all we really do at slumber parties is wear baggy clothes, pig out on bad food and bitch about them. No naked pillow fights.

Mmmmovie Munchies: baguette pizzas

Let's face it, darlings, there’s no finer late night movie snackage than a takeaway pizza, but ordering in is an expensive business. Never fear, it’s almost as easy to knock up a few of these little beauties as it is to pick up the phone and part with your hard earned cash, so next time you go shopping, throw a couple of extra bits in the trolley and movie munchies fit for a king can be yours. You’ll need:



1 french stick (or a couple of part-baked baguettes, baked according to pack instructions)
1 clove garlic
Leftover tomato sauce (or a jar of tomato pasta sauce)
1 ball of mozzarella, grated
About 100g cheddar, grated
Couple of slices ham or bacon, chopped
1 chilli
Some thyme or basil
Parmesan

So first, cut your baguettes into two or three pieces and halve each piece. Stick them under the grill for a couple of minutes until they just start to get a little brown and crisp. Next, cut your clove of garlic in half and rub all over the cut surface of the bread (you need asbestos fingers for this bit, but it’s well worth it).


Now spoon a bit of tomato sauce onto each slice, spread it about and top with a little of each cheese:
...then basically throw on any other toppings you fancy (I used slices of ham, some chopped chilli and some herbs out of the garden, but use whatever you have leftover in the fridge).

Bung them under the grill for a couple of minutes until golden and bubbling, and devour in front of the telly whilst congratulating yourself on your resourcefulness.

June 18, 2009

The Matrix


Directors and Screenwriters:
The Wath, the wach, the watchos, two blokes called Larry and Andy.

Cast:
Ted "Theodore" Logan
Ike Turner
Some chick who looks hot in leather, but not face to face
The Vendetta dude

Story:
Ted wants to get to the next level of a super addictive computer game. There's only one dude who can show him how to be better, he calls himself Morph, but that's the name of a great plasticine character from the 80's and we all know he's Ike Turner. He ain't foolin' no one.

Veriew:
Right, pay attention.

There's a chick with a silly name that reminds me of Noel V Ginnity every time I hear it and she's in a dark room dressed in PVC and leather. She looks hot in it, but not face to face.
She's trying to keep a long distance thing going, but Skype wasn't around then so the outfit is a bit redundant.
Then she gets interrupted by the poh-leece who are backed up by the Feds, the FBI, not the relatives of a Britney ex. This pisses her off majorly and she kicks the collective asses of the 5-0. The Feds come to see what the bru ha ha is and V Ginnity does a runner and faxes herself back to the office. Seriously.

So Ted "Theodore" Logan is stuck in a job as a transponster or something and he proper hates it, but he sticks at it because there's a recession on. When he's not at work he sits at home and plays a game online. I'd say it was World of Warcraft, but that wasn't around at the time, so we'll say he was addicted to playing Snake on his Nokia.

He's getting all frazzled and seeing messages that he didn't want, but we all know all he has to do it reply with "stop" and he won't get them anymore.
He goes to a massive S&M party where Ted is all like on a downer cos he lost his high score to some bird called Noel V Ginnity. So V Ginnity, tells him that Ike Turner is on to him and wants to have a bit of a chin wag to discuss Snake strategies.

So then Ted is all like "Woah"

And V Ginnity is all like "I know, right?"

So while Ted does an awesome and slightly comical air guitar and wonders what Bill s Preston Esq would do, he has to get back to work.
He's at work and he gets a rollicking for being late or Twittering on company time or something so he's sulking back at his desk when he gets a special delivery.

He opens it and it's a brand spanky new Nokia phone and he's like: "Woah, Snake 3.0 is totally on this, dude! I can't wait!"

Before he can kick back and snake it up right nice, the phone rings and it's Ike.

He's all like: "Your name is Ted, but from now on we'll call you Nemo."

Ted's like: "No way, you totally found me"

Ike's like: "I know and Disney will make a fucking fortune out of that, but for now you're in danger"

Ted's like: "Woah"

Ike's like: "I know, right?"

So Ike does some proper Jedi voodoo and gets Ted out of his cubicle and tells him to climb down the outside of the building and get away from the Feds that are there to arrest him for beating the all time high score on Snake and only leaving his initials on the scoreboard, or something.

Ted's like: "Fuck you Ike, I ain't climbing down no building like a sucker"

So Ted gets his ass arrested and pleads the 5th.

Back at the Fed's gaff, the Vendetta dude who's like in charge of the Feds, or the Headfed, if you will, is playing good cop/bad cop all by himself.

Ted flips him off and asks for his phone call, but they don't give it to him because now is not the time to be fucking about playing Snake. So they put a freaky ball gag on him and put a robot insecty thing in his belly button.

Ted's all like "Woah! WOAH WOAH, Dude, WOAH! No way, dude, NOT COOL!"

But he's all gagged and shit so it's muffled and sounds like he's face first in a laundry basket at the kinky mercy of Dot Cotton.

Dot Cotton, unavailable for comment at this time

Ted wakes up and thinks it's all a dream until the phone rings and it's Ike again. Ike wants Ted to come out and play and discuss some Snake strategies and Ted agrees.

So he gets picked up in a car by V Ginnity and the chick from Roxette and they pull the insecty thingy out of his belly button again.

They take him to see Ike and they bump fists and get down to talking about Snake strategies. Ike tells Ted that he has to take a pill to find out all about the secrets of Snake or take another one and forget all about everything.
Ted's pretty sure that he's used the pills that make people forget about stuff before and he's like "Naw man, I'll take the other one, this Snake is really bugging the shit out of me"

So he takes the proper pill and he starts tripping, like after a bowl of magic mushroom cereal and a splash of ice cold LSD kind of tripping. He freaks out and gets super paranoid so they fax him down a phone line just like V Ginnity did with herself earlier. Seriously.

Next thing we see Ted in a huge bath of pink goo with tubes coming out of everywhere and before we can even make a joke about a Michael Barrymore party, he slips down a shoot and ends up in a pool, writing the joke for us.

He gets picked up and taken to a ship that looks like reject drawings from the Alien movies. There he gets acupuncture'd up to the eyeballs and sleeps for about a month.

He meets the crew of the ship and they're all like "Dude, you're totally the one to beat Snake once and for all".

Then, all of this happens:

* Ike becomes Mr Miyagi and teaches Ted the ways of beating bullies.
* Ted visits a psychic for €2.50 a minute but she's just like the rest and tells him shit he already knows.
* The Feds capture Ike and hook him up to a machine, but if none of it is really real why would the machine work?
* The bald guy on the crew kills everybody on the ship, that's kind of important, but not really.
* Ted and V Ginnity go back to rescue Ike and shoot the place up like the best game of Duck Hunt ever.
* Ted gets shot at by the Feds and dodges bullets in a way that would make Mr Miyagi proud.


* V Ginnity and Ted get a helicopter and rescue Ike showing off the kick ass special effects.
* Vendetta guy chases Ted, a lot.
* They fight, a lot.
* They fight some more, a lot. In slow motion with rotaty cameras and everything.
* Vendetta guy pumps Ted full of lead and wrecks every one's head and high fives the Feds.
* V Ginnity tells dead Ted that she really wants a shift so he comes back to life in the game of Snake and kicks the Vendetta guys ass scaring the shit out of the Feds.
* Ted explains that he's there to free every one's mind and that you too can beat Snake even on the highest level, and flies off like Superman without warning us that the sequels are going to be more full of shit than a neglected baby's nappy.

Verdict:
This movie had it all, a crazy story line that we all secretly wanted to be true, trend setting effects and cool threads. Even if Keanu Reeves is the lead, it's still a great movie that will take you a couple of views to completely get what's going on.
Sit back, enjoy and then trawl the net for people who are convinced we all actually live in a real live game of Snake.

June 13, 2009

Munchie Of The Week

Skittles!

Wanna get super duper hyper during your movie night, and wreck everyone's head? Skittles are the way to go but remember if you don't colour co ordinate and eat them in order of the rainbow colours your family will die.

June 11, 2009

Gone in 60 Seconds

Director:
Dominic Sena (No, me neither)

Producer:
Jerry (Realising The Lone Ranger wasn't a Superhero, so maybe shouldn't be making a movie of him, after all he made the same assumption with Kangaroo Jack) Bruckheimer

Screenwriter:
Scott Rosenberg - This gig was kind of a given since he wrote Kangaroo Jack for Jerry

Cast:
Ghost Rider
Lara Croft
Bullet Tooth Tony
Frank Jr that got Pheobe in Friends up the pole
One of Ocean's 11
Robert, erm Duvall
Evil English Gangsta Carpenter

Story:
Right, so Frank Jr took a job from Evil English Gangsta Carpenter to leave lots of cars up on bricks a la Ballymun, but he nearly gets caught by the poh-leece. So Evil English Gangsta Carpenter tells Ghost Rider that he has to take the job to save his brother, Frank Jr. He doesn't want to, ooh the inner conflict.

Veriew:
The following is a description of what a local Garda called "Ve-hick-u-lar Pornography".

So Frank Jr starts off stealing a cock on four wheels known as a Porsche and then does the obligatory thing of showing us that he's a bigger cock than the car he's just stolen to make us think he's always in trouble and a lost cause.
He starts a joyride by chatting up a girl at some red lights and then the poh-leece start chasing him to his hideout.
He and his posse nearly gets busted by the poh-leece so they run to their boss, Evil English Gangsta Carpenter.

In the meantime, Ghost Rider is running a go kart center for the kiddies and one of his old posse comes to see him and tell him that Frank Jr is in trouble with Evil English Gangsta Carpenter. Ghost Rider doesn't want to back to his old ways of leaving cars up on bricks in Ballymun, but he might not have a choice. What a story.

Back at the Evil English Gangsta Carpenter's hideout, Frank Jr has got him really pissed off and finds himself in a car crusher like in Superman 3. Remember that with the weird evil twin Superman? Just like that. Frank Jr is about to be brown bread when big bro Ghost Rider shows up to save the day.

Conversation goes like this:

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "I want some totally rad cars, man"

Ghost Rider - "I hear ya dude, just can't help"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "I'll have to crush your bro to the max, then"

Frank Jr - "Those is funny jokes, man. Ha ha ha"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Quiet you."

Ghost Rider - "I promised so many people I'd never leave cars up on bricks in Ballymun."

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Hairy muff, your bro get's crushed"

Frank Jr - "Yo man, aw dude, I just pissed myself"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Oi, less gushin', more crushin asshole"

Frank Jr - "Agh, mammy"

Ghost Rider - "Fine I'll do it"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Of course you will, what would we have done, called the film "Prematurely over in 12 minutes?""

Frank Jr - "Thank fuck for that"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "So that'll be 50 top cars in 4 days or I'll pop a cap in all y'all asses"

So back at Frank Jr's place and he's all like, "Yo bro, I 'preciate your help and all and anyways, but I got this covered. I'll drop him over a few Almeras and the odd Peugeot and it'll be grand". But Ghost Rider gets all serious in the only way he knows how and is like "No, you won't".

Sorted.

Wait, no it's not.

Ghost Rider has to go and get his old crew together otherwise he won't be able to pull this job off. Half are dead, half are in prison and the final half don't want to know.
But he persists with the half that don't want to know and he ends up recruiting Robert Duvall, a black dude and Bullet Tooth Tony, who thankfully doesn't say a word. Until the end, but we'll get to that.

Lastly he has to recruit Lara Croft, so he goes to the local orphanage, but she hasn't been there yet. He goes to Billy Bob's place, but she left ages ago. He goes to Jennifer Aniston's gaff but she's too busy rubbing everyone's nose in it that she has Brad Pitt so she's no use.

So finally he finds Lara Croft in a garage under a car where she's plotting her way around orphanages and stealing Brad Pitt.

Ghost Rider is like, "Aw c'mon be a pal and steal some motors with me".

But she's all like "Dude, no way."

Then he's like "Pretty please with a poxy cherry on top?"

Then she's like "Fine, just this once then I have to get back to buying babies and stealing Brad Pitts."

Sweet.

So they go about planning how they're gonna steal all them cars in one night but the poh-leece show up and get all Columbo on their asses.

It's at this point that the story takes a back seat and the car porn takes over.

They steal some cars.

Something happens to make the think about stopping stealing cars.

They decide to steal more cars.

Lara Croft nearly gets a portion off Ghost Rider.

They steal some more cars.

They steal some more - wait - is that the poh-leece?

They think about stopping stealing cars again.

They decide to steal more cars.

There's just one car left over to steal and it's the one that Ghost Rider has always tried to steal but something always goes wrong with it when he drives it. It's a Fiat, I think.

He steals the Fiat and the Poh-leece are all over him like snot bubbles on a toddler. A massively complicated and choreographed car chase takes them all over the city. There might as well be banjo music playing because everytime the poh-leece get even close, Ghost Rider gets away in his Fiat.

He gets chased by poh-leece cars, the poh-leece helicopter and everyone else, but he hits the nitro button and the Fiat is outta there.


They end up on a bridge with a traffic jam, and we think that Ghost Rider's goose is cooked and he's like "Naw man, naw".

So he makes the Fiat jump over about 7 miles of tailbacks and storms up to the docks where Evil English Gangsta Carpenter is awaiting the arrival of his last car. But Ghost Rider is 12 minutes late for his deadline and Evil English Gangsta Carpenter won't accept the deal.

So Ghost Rider puts the smack down on Evil English Gangsta Carpenter and throws him over a flight of stairs and makes him brown bread. He's also made brown bread of pretty much everybody except the key grip and it kind of makes you wonder why he did't just do that at the start. Then the fillum might have been called "Credits roll after 19 minutes, but you'll thank us when you see the full version".
Anywho, by kicking everyone sqaure in the nuts and saving the day, he has also saved the life of the poh-leece man who was also there if I haven't mentioned that bit already.

The poh-leece is all conflicted because he wants to bring Ghost Rider down town Lester Brown, but he lets him go on account of the whole life saving thing.

So the bad guy is dead and everyone is happy. They're all sitting around putting shrimps on the barbie and Lara Croft and Ghost Rider are about to totally get it on right in front of everyone and then Bullet Tooth Tony pipes up with some amount of shite.
It's supposed to make it look like he only says something meaningful at the right time, but instead it makes him look like a tool.

Frank Jr buys Ghost Rider a Fiat of his own complete with PUNTO written across the back window just like bigger boys have, but he has to do a lot of work on it. Typical Fiats.

Everyone lives happily ever after apart from Ghost Rider's career and Jennifer Aniston. I don't need to explain why.

Verdict:
Send your common sense to the pub for a few while you watch this, because it's just nonsense. But good nonsense. A pure popcorn classic. Or porn, depending on how you like cars and speed.

June 9, 2009

The Exorcist

Director:
Some dude (William Friedkin might be a more house hold name if he hadn't taken three times the schedule and a fuck load extra money to make The Exorcist. He pissed off Warner Bros good and proper.)

Screenwriter:
William Peter Blatty - He wrote the buke too.

Cast:
A couple of priests
A poh-leece dude more suspicious than Columbo playing Cluedo, but less threatening than a Care Bear helping a unicorn across the road.
An actress playing an actress.
A 12 year old with a mad case of ADD
The Paedo ghost
JC - (He doesn't actually show up, if he did his role is uncredited)

Story:
A 12 year old girl gets a bit fucked up because she messed around with an Ouija board and gets possessed by a ghost with a proper paedo name. So she gets all freaky and they bring in doctors and girl whisperers but none of them get shit done. This is before Supernanny, so they call in the priests. They call up the JC and compel us to shit ourselves.
Couldn't she just play Buckeroo! instead? That might be a fillum worth watching, a little girl possessed by the spirit of a plastic donkey. Exorcism ritual sold separately.

Veriew:
Right so there's an old priest who's in Iraq. He must be digging for oil but he'll never get anywhere pretending to be Indiana Jones with those little tools. Just as he's about to give up and give Lucy Kenneddy a buzz to make the Big Switch, he finds a little trinket. It's a nasty little devil thing.
He doesn't look happy to see it, probably because he knows that it won't sell that quickly in the local market.
It doesn't and he's still got none of that pesky oil, so he leaves the fillum in a huff but not before a massive demony statue thingy with a massive chubby shows up and waves it at him.

So with no oil, a grumpy priest and a horny demon it's no wonder the director pissed off Warner Bros. I mean if you want to blow smoke up someone's ass, make a movie about an oil diggin priest who makes demons horny, in Iraq. That should pretty much do it. So Warner Bros kicked his hole back to Washington and he gets on with the rest of the fillum.

Back in Washington there's a famous actress we've never heard of making a fillum we'll never see, it's as if the director is just flipping Warner Bros off at this point.
The actress has a daughter and house servants.
She goes home to the house servants and her daughter is playing in the basement with the Ouija board and the paedo ghost. The ghost calls himself Captain Howdy. It's at this point that I wonder how many times that appears on sex registers around the world.

While I'm wondering this, we get introduced to another priest and I realise that there might be a religious undertone to this fillum. The priest's mother is sick and he's losing his faith and I'm sure something else happened but I went for a whizz.

When I got back the daughter was in the hosdible getting all kinds of freaky shit done to her by the doctors and girl whisperers. She's acting really weird and using language that would make a drunk sailor blush so she gets sent home. Her mother hasn't the foggiest notion what to be doing, so she does the responsible thing and has a party in her gaff for all her fillum buddies. She instantly becomes a role model for mothers everywhere. Then another different priest turns up at the party and now I'm certain that there's an undertone of religion to the fillum and I try to pay attention to figure it out.

As I'm right in the middle of paying attention, the second priest's mother dies.

Back at the party and the daughter comes down to see what all the commotion is and witnesses a sing song in the living room. Like all people in the world, she hates sing songs at the ends of parties and as a sign of protest, she cocks her leg and marks her territory all over the floor. That'll learn them to have a fucking sing song, bastards. Take that, society.

So the actress takes her daughter back to the doctors and they still don't know shit. They suggest a priest do an exorcism, but she doesn't know where to find one. Oh, wait.

While all of this is going on, the director of the movie we'll never see gets thrown out of the daughters window and inspires a new home video series "When falls go bad". He dies and the non threatening Poh-leece turn up and start asking questions.

With the daughter now good and properly possessed by demons she starts doing things like backwards crab walks down the stairs and making a woman out of herself with the help of a crucifix and getting caught up in the moment and ordering her mother to chow down on her. But we've all had trouble with teenage hormones, so it might not be the paedo demons.
Might not be, but is.

Duh duh duuuuhhhhhh.

So the priest with no faith comes over to see what the dillyeo is and sees a young girl tied to a four poster bed with no witnesses. I know what you're thinking - a priest all alone with a young girl all tied up to a four poster bed with no witnesses, I thought the same thing.

What 12 year old has a four poster bed?

The priest was thinking the same thing and just as he's trying to get his head around this the little wench hurls all over him. Proper projectile-been-out-the-night-before-and-had-17-jagerbombs-followed-by-a-giant-house-special-kebab kind of vomiting.
Properly grossed out he's all like OMG, WTF? And the demon is all like ROFL sucker, who you gonna call?

So he goes and calls his peeps and he's all like "Dudes, she's totally possessed and shit"

And they're like "For real bro?"

And he's like "Fo sho"

So he kisses the older priests ring and the older priest from the start of the fillum shows up and he's all like "I'm gonna get that demon fucker, he's the one that shook his mickey at me back in Iraq"

It's so on.

Back in the daughter's bedroom and the priests are gearing for the ultimate smackdown. The demon thinks this is hilarious and asks the older priest to fuck it in the ass. He contemplates it but gets distracted by the thought of a 12 year old with her own 4 poster bed and she vomits on him too.

The other priest is all like "Aw, snap dawg. That shit happened me, it's well funny when it happens to someone else though"

So the showdown happens with lots of shouting and screaming and holy water and then the daughter levitates up off the bed in a move that Keith Barry would wet himself to be able to do. Then they start shouting that the power of Christ compels her, but they shout it so many times I start to think how good it might sell if I put a drum and bass line under it.

The demons make her turn her head around and all other kinds of freaky shit. We don't get to see it, but while the younger priest is out the demon probably shook his mickey at the older priest again, because when we see him he's brown bread. He's brown breader than the Green Party and the demon nearly shits itself laughing at the whole thing.

The younger priest, with a new found faith goes ape shit and beats the holy b'jesus out of the daughter and tells the demon to posses him instead. It does and he jumps out the same window that the director was pushed out of. He falls down the steps and gets brown bread himsmelf.

The girl is all better now and everyone lives happily ever after. Apart from the people who are brown bread obviously. They all go on to live long lives until some loser came along and made The Exorcist 2 - The Return of the Mickey Shaker.

Verdict:
Quite easily the scariest movie I have ever seen and it remains to be no matter what rubbish wannabe horror movie makers want to conjour up.
Turn the lights out, watch it on your own and then try to go to bed. I dare you.

June 8, 2009

8 Mile


Written by Scott Silver and directed by Curtis Hanson (LA Confidential, In Her Shoes and The Wonder Boys).

Cast:
Sex on legs
Dr. Gregory Pratt
The good looking Baldwin's ex beeyotch
Tai from Clueless
Brat
Other rappers guys
Other factory guys

With special appearances by Xzibit and Obi Trice.

Sex on legs is an aspiring rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, he has a dream of getting a recording deal. He gots a lotta problems to deal with.

The movie starts with him acting the maggot in front of a mirror, then he gets too excited and ralphs all over the shop. He got some bitch issues so he has to move in with mama (sexy Baldwin's ex). But not after getting stage fright at a club. He takes up a dead-end job at a like factory place, so he can save enough money to make a demo tape, but he keeps like freaking out and gets major slaggings from all these other rapper guys. Oh yeah though in a blondee bratty kid sister and his like best friend Dr. Pratt in there as well.

His life starts to pick up, when he meets Tai from Clueless who takes an interest in him like the skank that she is. Then Dr. Pratt signs him up to rap again at a club cause he thinks he's got talent, sex on legs is shit scared! Then this like dodgy rapper guy tells him that he can get him a demo tape done for free but playa has said shit like that before and he ain't eva followed through.

Things get kinky in the factory, very hot!

Not everything stays all great, moneys tight, he catches Tai from Clueless cheating on him with the dodgy rapper guy, and then he gets in a huge fight with Alec's exs' loser boyfriend and he throws him out.

He gets the crap beated outta him by these bad rapper guys, then he has some issues with Dr. Pratt and the rest of posse.

Then all is good again, he goes to rap on stage and just to spite the other rapper guy he uses all the crap in his own life to rap about so then the other guy has nothing to say. Sex on legs wins!

Verdict - Eminem I so would!
It was a good movie didn't involve a lot of thinking, which Candy can't take to much off.

Deadly soundtrack.

June 2, 2009

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Director:
Michel "Can't spell Michael properly cos I'm French" Gondry

Writers:
Charlie "Get some Benelyn and sort out that" Kaufman
Michel "You stupeed Ireesh, zat is ow you spell my name" Gondry

Cast:
Lloyd Christmas
Yer wan from Titanic
Fucking Frodo
Mary Jane Watson from Spiderman

Story:
In a time when people can't deal with breaking up, they use a machine to completely remove their ex from their memory.
Ireland has 4 million of these on order to rid our memories of Fianna Fáil, among other things.

Veriew:
Yer wan from Titanic looks hawt in blue hair, red hair, green hair and she has that weird wanna do her but don't know why vibe going on.


Lloyd Christmas reverts to his child self at one stage and Fucking Frodo and Mary Jane Watson from Spiderman do some stuff to Lloyd Christmas' mind that makes it eternally sunshiny because it's spotless, or something.

This fillum is harder to follow than Stephen Hawking's wheelchair instructions. By it's very name it will leave your mind properly spotless because your mind will pack it's bags and fuck right off out of protest.
Gondry takes a great big bottle of mind Cif and scrubs away every last thread of your being, but because he leaves behind a pleasant lemony scent, all is forgiven.
A fillum you'll be scratching your head after, but that's ok because we can't remember what was in there to begin with.

That's all I can say, I can't say no more.

Verdict:
Like time travel during hypnosis coming down from an acid trip.
Back your mind up to your hard drive before you watch this fillum, you'll need to reboot it later. It's not a bad fillum, it's actually very good. I still can't figure out why though.

June 1, 2009

Clueless

Directed By: Amy Heckerling (All the "Look Who's Talking" movies):

Cast:
Alicia Silverstone - "Cher"
Stacey Dash - "Dionne"
Bitch from 8Mile
Mike from Friends
Dr. Turk
SK8R boi / Pothead
Rich Boy
Closet Boy
Nerdy female teacher
Nerdy male teacher
Daddy
A bunch of other people

Story:

Very loosely based on Jane Austen's, "Emma."

Veriew:

High school teenagers in Beverly Hills some who have been "named after singers who now do infomercials."

They constantly change outfits, have nose jobs, talk in a very grown up vocabulary on their giant mobile phones, and concern themselves with everybody elses, except their own, social lives.

How ditzy, rich or popular can one girl be? Cher can be all three things quite easily and still have perfect style, blond hair and a manicure. She lives in Beverly Hills and attempts to drive Jeep. With her best friend, Dionne, whose a sassy Barbie too, she's got it all.

Or has she?
When she starts flunking at school, she uses everything her lawyer daddy taught her and negotiates with her teachers for better grades, giving them every excuse from boy problems to women's troubles. Most of the teachers except these excuses, except for Nerdy Male Teacher.

Enter ex step brother, Mike from Friends, college student, Eco warrior, plaid flannel shirt wearing, grunge music listening, all round nice guy. He offends Cher by basically calling her selfish, she needs to prove him wrong.

New girl, Bitch from 8Mile, comes to school and Cher decides to do the unselfish thing and make her over. But Bitch from 8Mile's crush for Rich Boy, is soon ended when he makes a move on Cher!

Don't fret her heart's mended by good clean Closet Boy.

Cher then does everything to attract Closet Boy, who is later revealed to Cher to be gay!! So much for all her hard work.

Cher also does a spot of match making on Nerdy Male Teacher and Nerdy Female Teacher, in a way to up her grades.

Then Bitch from 8Mile gets freaked out by some idiots at the mall, and becomes more popular than our lead Cher! Cher then becomes "way confused" when Bitch from 8Mile starts falling for Mike from Friends.

She realises she feels annoyed cause she loves Mike from Friends, he's "kind of a Baldwin."

She then decides she needs to give her soul a makeover. She does charity work, in an attempt to impress Mike from Friends, he soooooo notices her now! And she does more match making between Bitch from 8Mile and SK8R boi / Pothead.

She then learns that Mike from Friends is in love with her! And they kiss on the big marble staircase!

Nerdy Male Teacher and Nerdy Female Teacher get married, with Cher being Maid of Honour and all.

Through all the up and downs, the heartbreaks and the drama, Cher finds true love and isn't so Clueless anymore!

Bonus Clueless Lingo:
"Whatever" - I don't really care.
"A Betty" - A gorgeous woman, a reference to Betty Garble.
"A Baldwin" - A gorgeous man, a reference to the gorgeous Baldwin brothers, except for Stephen and Daniel.
"Full on Monet"- To look nice from far away but up close, not so much.
"Ralph" - To vomit.
"Wiggin" - Irritated
"Way" - Very. Eg. "That teacher was way harsh!"
"Buggin" - Freaked out.


Verdict:
It's easy to watch with not brainpower involved. Butter the popcorn and leave your common sense at the door.