June 11, 2009

Gone in 60 Seconds

Dominic Sena (No, me neither)

Jerry (Realising The Lone Ranger wasn't a Superhero, so maybe shouldn't be making a movie of him, after all he made the same assumption with Kangaroo Jack) Bruckheimer

Scott Rosenberg - This gig was kind of a given since he wrote Kangaroo Jack for Jerry

Ghost Rider
Lara Croft
Bullet Tooth Tony
Frank Jr that got Pheobe in Friends up the pole
One of Ocean's 11
Robert, erm Duvall
Evil English Gangsta Carpenter

Right, so Frank Jr took a job from Evil English Gangsta Carpenter to leave lots of cars up on bricks a la Ballymun, but he nearly gets caught by the poh-leece. So Evil English Gangsta Carpenter tells Ghost Rider that he has to take the job to save his brother, Frank Jr. He doesn't want to, ooh the inner conflict.

The following is a description of what a local Garda called "Ve-hick-u-lar Pornography".

So Frank Jr starts off stealing a cock on four wheels known as a Porsche and then does the obligatory thing of showing us that he's a bigger cock than the car he's just stolen to make us think he's always in trouble and a lost cause.
He starts a joyride by chatting up a girl at some red lights and then the poh-leece start chasing him to his hideout.
He and his posse nearly gets busted by the poh-leece so they run to their boss, Evil English Gangsta Carpenter.

In the meantime, Ghost Rider is running a go kart center for the kiddies and one of his old posse comes to see him and tell him that Frank Jr is in trouble with Evil English Gangsta Carpenter. Ghost Rider doesn't want to back to his old ways of leaving cars up on bricks in Ballymun, but he might not have a choice. What a story.

Back at the Evil English Gangsta Carpenter's hideout, Frank Jr has got him really pissed off and finds himself in a car crusher like in Superman 3. Remember that with the weird evil twin Superman? Just like that. Frank Jr is about to be brown bread when big bro Ghost Rider shows up to save the day.

Conversation goes like this:

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "I want some totally rad cars, man"

Ghost Rider - "I hear ya dude, just can't help"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "I'll have to crush your bro to the max, then"

Frank Jr - "Those is funny jokes, man. Ha ha ha"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Quiet you."

Ghost Rider - "I promised so many people I'd never leave cars up on bricks in Ballymun."

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Hairy muff, your bro get's crushed"

Frank Jr - "Yo man, aw dude, I just pissed myself"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Oi, less gushin', more crushin asshole"

Frank Jr - "Agh, mammy"

Ghost Rider - "Fine I'll do it"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Of course you will, what would we have done, called the film "Prematurely over in 12 minutes?""

Frank Jr - "Thank fuck for that"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "So that'll be 50 top cars in 4 days or I'll pop a cap in all y'all asses"

So back at Frank Jr's place and he's all like, "Yo bro, I 'preciate your help and all and anyways, but I got this covered. I'll drop him over a few Almeras and the odd Peugeot and it'll be grand". But Ghost Rider gets all serious in the only way he knows how and is like "No, you won't".


Wait, no it's not.

Ghost Rider has to go and get his old crew together otherwise he won't be able to pull this job off. Half are dead, half are in prison and the final half don't want to know.
But he persists with the half that don't want to know and he ends up recruiting Robert Duvall, a black dude and Bullet Tooth Tony, who thankfully doesn't say a word. Until the end, but we'll get to that.

Lastly he has to recruit Lara Croft, so he goes to the local orphanage, but she hasn't been there yet. He goes to Billy Bob's place, but she left ages ago. He goes to Jennifer Aniston's gaff but she's too busy rubbing everyone's nose in it that she has Brad Pitt so she's no use.

So finally he finds Lara Croft in a garage under a car where she's plotting her way around orphanages and stealing Brad Pitt.

Ghost Rider is like, "Aw c'mon be a pal and steal some motors with me".

But she's all like "Dude, no way."

Then he's like "Pretty please with a poxy cherry on top?"

Then she's like "Fine, just this once then I have to get back to buying babies and stealing Brad Pitts."


So they go about planning how they're gonna steal all them cars in one night but the poh-leece show up and get all Columbo on their asses.

It's at this point that the story takes a back seat and the car porn takes over.

They steal some cars.

Something happens to make the think about stopping stealing cars.

They decide to steal more cars.

Lara Croft nearly gets a portion off Ghost Rider.

They steal some more cars.

They steal some more - wait - is that the poh-leece?

They think about stopping stealing cars again.

They decide to steal more cars.

There's just one car left over to steal and it's the one that Ghost Rider has always tried to steal but something always goes wrong with it when he drives it. It's a Fiat, I think.

He steals the Fiat and the Poh-leece are all over him like snot bubbles on a toddler. A massively complicated and choreographed car chase takes them all over the city. There might as well be banjo music playing because everytime the poh-leece get even close, Ghost Rider gets away in his Fiat.

He gets chased by poh-leece cars, the poh-leece helicopter and everyone else, but he hits the nitro button and the Fiat is outta there.

They end up on a bridge with a traffic jam, and we think that Ghost Rider's goose is cooked and he's like "Naw man, naw".

So he makes the Fiat jump over about 7 miles of tailbacks and storms up to the docks where Evil English Gangsta Carpenter is awaiting the arrival of his last car. But Ghost Rider is 12 minutes late for his deadline and Evil English Gangsta Carpenter won't accept the deal.

So Ghost Rider puts the smack down on Evil English Gangsta Carpenter and throws him over a flight of stairs and makes him brown bread. He's also made brown bread of pretty much everybody except the key grip and it kind of makes you wonder why he did't just do that at the start. Then the fillum might have been called "Credits roll after 19 minutes, but you'll thank us when you see the full version".
Anywho, by kicking everyone sqaure in the nuts and saving the day, he has also saved the life of the poh-leece man who was also there if I haven't mentioned that bit already.

The poh-leece is all conflicted because he wants to bring Ghost Rider down town Lester Brown, but he lets him go on account of the whole life saving thing.

So the bad guy is dead and everyone is happy. They're all sitting around putting shrimps on the barbie and Lara Croft and Ghost Rider are about to totally get it on right in front of everyone and then Bullet Tooth Tony pipes up with some amount of shite.
It's supposed to make it look like he only says something meaningful at the right time, but instead it makes him look like a tool.

Frank Jr buys Ghost Rider a Fiat of his own complete with PUNTO written across the back window just like bigger boys have, but he has to do a lot of work on it. Typical Fiats.

Everyone lives happily ever after apart from Ghost Rider's career and Jennifer Aniston. I don't need to explain why.

Send your common sense to the pub for a few while you watch this, because it's just nonsense. But good nonsense. A pure popcorn classic. Or porn, depending on how you like cars and speed.