August 10, 2009

The Notebook


Directed by:
Who cares?

Written by:
Some dude.

Starring:
Random pretty boy lead man
Random kinda pretty lead woman with a huge forehead vein that kept looking at me
James Garner

Story:
Something to do with a notebook, probably.

Veriew:
Didn't really get the jist of what was happenning. It was a really short fillum. One minute the opening scene is taking place, then nothing. Then I get an elbow in the ribs as the closing credits roll. She's all teary eyed and I'm thinking I didn't miss much.

Verdict:
Possibly a huge steaming pile of meh. Good nap though.

August 3, 2009

Movie Munchies


Peanut M&M's

Ordinary M&M's are fine in moderation, but people who eat them all the time and prefer them to their peanutty cousins are not to be trusted. The peanut variety give the crunchy, melty, sweet and kind of savoury goodness that makes a party in your mouth.

Munch them whole like an M&M monster and cause noise to distract everyone else in the room from the fillum, or suck them until you get to the peanut treasure in the center and then devour that bad boy triumphantly.

But like Skittles, they must be colour co-ordinated or your family will die.

July 29, 2009

Donnie Darko

Director / Writer:
Richard Kelly

Cast:
Jake Gyllenhaal (The gay cowboy that gave Heath Ledger AIDS and killed him)
Maggie Gyllenhall (The hot sister. The. Hot. Sister.)
Patrick Swayze (Back from bothering Whoopi Goldberg from the dead and reincarnated as a kiddie fiddler)
Some other people

Story:
Time travel without a DeLorean. Donnie knows the secrets of time travel but everyone thinks he's crazy so he gets sent to therapy where he masturbates in the office. We find out why Harvey was invisible all those years ago. Mother nature sat on his face and hatched out an ugmeister.

Veriew:
A Jumbo jet engines falling through the sky and distracting me from Donnie's hot sister while Donnie is in therapy for burning things that the weird ugly rabbit told him to do and he does all of them because he thinks he can travel through time and just when he thinks he has it sussed Patrick Swayze turns out to be a kiddie fiddler but it's ok really because Donnie's sister is still hot and then Donnie's bit of fluff gets run over by the weird ugly rabbit who turns out to be a dude in a rabbit suit that he was seeing from the future, so maybe he can travel through time, so he gets on a plane to try and prove it but the engine from the wing falls off and crashes into his house below killing him because he was in bed at the same time as being on the plane.

Verdict:
Donnie has a hot sister. Everything else is just filler as far as I can tell. I've watched it twice and still don't understand it, but critics seem to love it.

July 23, 2009

Finding Nemo


Written and Directed by: Andrew Stanton (Toy Story, A Bug's Life, Monster's Inc, WALL-E, he won two Oscars as well, that's pretty cool).

Cast:
(Just gonna list the people you'd actually know)
Ellen DeGeneres
William Defoe
Brad Garrett (funny guy)
Allison Janney
Elizabeth Perkins
Eric Bana (sexy ozzie boy!)
Dewey from Malcom In The Middle

Life in the ocean is full of scary crap when your only a tiny clown fish. For Marlin a widower fishy, who does everything to protect is son Nemo, there is lots and lots of scary stuff.
When it comes time for Nemo to spread his wings fins and go to school, Marlin brings him, but agonises over every move Nemo makes. Then Nemo is bold and swims off beyond the reef to the "drop off" to look at a big but boat, he's then like kidnapped my a diver guy as Marlin watches on, helplessly.

Marlin starts having like a holy hairy conniption and goes looking for him. In the beginning of his big adventure looking for his son, he meets Dory, a girl blue fishy who offers him help. There's a problem as Dory suffers from short term memory loss and forgets stuff just after it happens.

Together the two set out on the mad adventure to find Nemo.


Now Nemo is in a fish tank in a dentists office in Sydney, with a bunch of other fishys. William Defoe is like the leader fish guy, he also came from the ocean and dreams of going back there one day. Along with William Defoe and Nemo in the fish tank there's a starfish named Peach, an erratic blow fishy named Bloat, Bubbles a yellow fishy who's obsessed with bubbles, a french Shrimp named Jacques who's a bit OCD, a germophobe fishy named Gurgle, and my favourite in the tank is a black fishy named Deb who believes her reflection is her twin sister Flo, very funny
stuff.


They all initiate Nemo into their gang, this is one of my favourite bits in the movie the whole "Sharkbate ooh ha ha!" and the "mount wanna-hock-a-loogie!" ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

Marlin and Dory get themselves into a bit of trouble with some sharks, a freaky looking creature thing and loadsa jellyfish along the way. The sharks are great they are in like a self help programme to improve their image from "mindless eating machines".


They also have a run in with a blue whale, Dory can speak whale - that's some funny stuff. They ride along the East Australian Current with some cool turtles, and nearly get attacked by the funny seagulls, on the way to get Nemo in Sydney.


News of all the wild adventures, and shark dodging spread across the ocean, and word of his fearless father eventually gets to Nemo in the fish tank. Nemo is so happy when he learns of his father's adventure to find him.

With William Defoe's help Nemo tries to find a way to escape to the ocean to his father, but he has to hurry cause the dentist's evil ginger niece is coming the next day and Nemo is like her birthday present.


When they arrive in Sydney they get some help from Nigel, a pelican who heard all about their adventures.

As the clock ticks on and things getting in both their ways, Nemo and Marlin fight everything to be reunited with each other.

With the help of the gang in the fish tank and some other ocean friends, Nemo and Marlin are eventually back together but not before some more scary stuff goes down. Marlin then realises that he needs to not be so over protective of Nemo, and all is happy jolly again in the big ol'blue.

Best Bit:

Dory: No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you. I do, look. P. Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget.
Marlin:I'm sorry, Dory. But I... do.


(Where's me tissues...)

July 21, 2009

Tuesday Teaser


For "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?", what process of the film took up most of the budget?

Hint - It wasn't the animation.

July 17, 2009

Friday Finker

In the fillum "Pulp Fiction", Vincent Vega and Mia Wallace go to dinner in 50's theme diner, Jack Rabbit Slims.
The waiters and waitresses are all dressed as 50's icons and introduce themselves as the person they're playing.

Vincent and Mia's waiter introduces himself as Buddy.

As a movie in joke to his previous fillum "Reservior Dogs", who did director Quentin Tarantino cast as Buddy Holly the waiter?

Major kudos will be given to the winner, last I checked it wasn't a credited role.

July 10, 2009

A Few Good Men

This is one of my favourite movies ever!


Directed by: Rob Reiner (This is Spinal Tap, Stand by Me, Rumour Has It, The Bucket List)
Written by: Aaron Sorkin (The West Wing, Charlie Wilson's War)

Cast:
Tom
Jack
Demi
Keifer
Kevin Bacon My lover
Funny F*cker
Lots of other marine people

Whats de story loike: Ok so these two marine guys, are on trial for the death of this other marine guy. Was it like an accident or murder?

Duh duhh duhhhhh

Veriew: So these marine guys like kill this other marine guy and Demi thinks it wasn't like them like really killing him but like someone ordered them too, like a "code red". Then Tom is hired to defend the marine guys and Demi is like his legal beeyotch. Throw Funny F*cker in there as well.

It turns out that the marine guy that was killed wanted to be transfered of like the marine base, he even offered information about this other marine guy cause he did something bad. Demi thinks this is like a motive to murdered.

The fillum does like a flash back to Jack, Keifer, and some other talking about what to do with the marine guy cause he's all moany and stuff. The other guy says they should transfer him off the base cause he could be in danger. Jack basically tells him to feck off and tells Keifer to basically whoop his ass.

Then there's all this conspiracy crap about the murder some say he was poisoned some say he wasn't. They marine that killed him claimed that they weren't trying to kill him they just wanted to like train him.

So then my lover is hired to be like the other side in the court room. Him and Tom are like buddies as well. They all meet up in Cuba with Jack and some other people. Keifer tells them that he made an order that the marine wasn't to be hurt. I suspect that he's telling porkies. Jack then says that he made an order for the marine guy to be transfered, we know this is a porkie from the flash back bit....ummmmm whats going on? Then the marine guys that are on trial tell Tom that Keifer ordered a code red. Shit officially hits the fan.

So after loads of crap and stuff they all head to court. Tom enters a plea of not guilty so we know it's gonna get all dramatic and stuff.

In court my lover claims that the marine guy was poisoned Tom says it wasn't and that the two marine guys were ordered to like kill him, more or less. My lover and Tom like question all these witness people and you don't really know where the whole case his going. Tom starts to think they'll loose.

The guy that was in the room during the flash back when Jack told Keifer all the stuff during the flash back tells Tom that the marine guy was never gonna be transfered off the base.

Duh duhh duhhhh!

Some more court stuff happens, movie gets all suspencful and stuff. Note how sexy Keifer can be when he gets pissed off. They lose one of their key witnessesses (look at me sounding all legal and stuff) and Tom gets all freaked out, Demi thinks he should put Jack on the stand and try and get him to confess. If he fecks it all up his like whole career is shot to hell.

Tom sucks it up and decides to put Jack on the stand. Tom does funny Jack impression, bit of a laugh.

The big scene.....

Jack lies and says that he ordered the marine guy to be transfered, Tom calls his bluff, Jack gets all pissed off. If the marine guy was gonna be transfered why wasn't his crap all ready.... Tom basically starts shittin himself

Cue the drama...


Tom: Jack, did you order the Code Red?
Judge Guy: You don’t have to answer that question!
Jack: I'll answer the question!

Jack: You want answers?
Tom: I think I'm entitled.
Jack: YOU WANT ANSWERS?
Tom: I want the truth!
Jack: You can’t handle the truth!

Jack: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Funny F*cker? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the marine guy, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the marine guy's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Tom: Did you order the Code Red?
Jack: I did the job I...
Tom: Did you order the Code Red?
Jack: You’re God damn right I did!

Kinda put your foot in it there Jack....

So then he's all arrested and stuff and then the marines guys that are on trial are found guilty and dishonourably discharged from the marines.....

Marine Guy #1: What did we do wrong? We did nothing wrong.
Marine Guy #2: Yeah, we did. We were supposed to fight for the people who couldn't fight for themselves. We were supposed to fight for Willie.

- hee hee hee willie

Verdict: Buy it, you can watch it over and over again and it's still all dramatic all the time. I've seen it so many times that I didn't use the internet for me quotes ha ha ha.

July 9, 2009

West Side Story


Directors:
Jerome Robbins
Robert Wise

Screenwriter:
Ernest Lehman

Book:
Arthur Laurents

Music and Lyrics:
Leanard Bernstein
Stephen Sondheim

Cast:
Lip syncing Natalie Wood (She's a fraud)
Lip syncing Richard Beymer (Ditto)

Some American ballet dancing finger clicking fruity gang bangers
Some Greek salsa/tango/mambo dancing feet stomping fruity immigrant gang bangers pretending to be Puerto Ricans.

Story:
The fruity American dancers don't like it that their 'hood is being taken over by the Greeks, probably because they dress better. The head of the fruity Americans gets a massive stiffy over the sister of the leader of the Greeks.
Shits gonna hit the fan, but not without 7 years of jazz and two of ballet training it's not.

Think "Grand Theft Auto" as imagined through the eyes of that bald gay dude from Sex and the City series after falling asleep watching Romeo and Juliet.

Veriew:
It all starts off with an extreeeeeeemly long overture that has the two gangs fighting over territory, but it really looks like they're having a dance off.

Turn pause step pivot twirl step pause click pause aaaaand pout.

The poh-leece turn up and use words like "Wiseguys" and "Hoodlums" and tell the two dance troupes to cop on. They don't.

Instead of popping some caps and sending out the word that they're the biggest and toughest gang in the whole wide world, the leader of the American fruits starts to sing and dance and his gang all stand around watching him and telling him to "Go girlfriend".
Oh, and his name is "Riff". The only way he could make that name butch is if he was a chick.

Step step twirl click shuffle finger click pause pirouette mince and jazz hands.

Back at the Greek's place and the women are fine but the men are too busy whining about not liking it in America. The women love it in America. Cue a song and dance about loving/hating living in America, called "America". Genius.

Stomp stomp clappy hands dress shaking bad pronunciation stomp stomp and pose

So the Americans and the Greeks have a war council to decide weapons for a big time rumble. They get interrupted by the poh-leece who come in and talk about everyone's ma. In the meantime the head of American's - Anto is sniffing around the sister of the head of the Greeks - Anne Marie.

So Tony is all like:

"Here, Anne Marie give us a shift"

And Anne Marie is all like:

"No way man, me brother would kill me and he'd probably burst you too"

Then Tony is all like:

"I'm not afraid of no sucker, I pity the fool!"

Then Anne Marie gets all moist at Tony's manliness and they do it everywhere. But because this is a classy film we don't see it, but I bet it was durrty.

The next day in work Anne Marie tells the girls that she's feeling pretty and then she sings a song about feeling pretty which you think would have been used in a make up or tampon commercial over the years, but whatever.

and sing and twirl and gay

So they all go to a dance, which was the natural habitat of street gangs back in the 50's, dontcha know?

At the dance the Americans and the Greeks separate the dance floor like boys and girls do at an underage junior disco. But the leader of the Greeks (Barney) sees Tony eyeing up his little sister, Anne Marie and goes apeshit.

So they all have a dance.

De de de de de de de dum dum dum dum Mambo!

Surprisingly, this doesn't seem to ease the tension between the two groups and they organise a fight under the Brooklynn bridge. The fight is to be a 2 man fight, but then Tony turns up playing the big man and in the confusion, Barney kills the uber butch Riff. This makes Tony "pity the fool" as earlier mentioned, because Riff is like his BFF. So Tony takes a knife and kills Barney.
This isn't good, because Barney is Anne Marie's brother and he's going to have to get some Quality Street or After Eights if he expects a leg over again.

So Tony goes to see Anne Marie and he tells her that he offed her bro and despite the complete lack of chocolates or flowers or a witty Limerick, he totally gets his leg over. I think they sing a song, not sure. It's highly likely that they do as it's a musical.

shag shag shag song song song and scene

So back at the American's hangout spot they're all freaking out cos Riff is brown bread. So the poh-leece come around to get some answers, but they're not the sharpest needles in the haystack so they leave with nothing.
As a celebration to the cops leaving, the Americans have a song and a dance.

sing laugh dance giggle happy happy dance laugh

The poh-leece don't like songs being sung about them, except when it's Bad Boys, so they go around to the Greek ladies place and start asking questions. But they get nothing. So the ladies have a bit of a sing, and it's all depressing. Mostly because I keep being reminded that it's not Natalie Wood singing and maybe she's getting paid way too much for half a job done. She doesn't even dance for Sondheim's sake.

In the meantime, the writers have kind of run out of songs to hold our attention so Anne Marie goes to try and save Tony because word on the street is that one of the Greeks is going to avenge the death of Barney.

She turns up to hear Tony screaming like he's on an estate in Finglas and she starts screaming too, but one of the Greeks is packing heat and pops a cap in Tony's ass.

Anne Marie is all like

"WTF? :-o"

Then all the other cast members show up, excluding the dead ones and just kind of watch Anne Marie's melt down and to cut a long story short, it ends.

Verdict:
It's a classic, despite the camp gang dancing and is one of the most successful musicals of all time, and probably the best.
I prefer the stage version because depending on the director, the Natalie Wood character shoots herself at the end too. Oh, and she doesn't lip sync.
It's a must see and chances are you know a lot of the music even if you didn't realise it before.

Rent it, buy it, watch it and click your fingers all the way through.

Pow pow chunga bang and rev us off!

July 7, 2009

Tuesday Teaser

Without using Google or IMDB, what was the registration on the licence plate of the Ghostbusters car?

July 6, 2009

Weekly Spoiler

In the Sixth Sense, John McClaine wears the same clothes all the way through the fecking fillum.

Seriously.


He wanted to change clothes, but he had a fear of red door knobs. Go figure.

June 30, 2009

Tuesday Teaser

In the fillum "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", how many times does Steve Martin say the word "fuck" to the desk clerk at the airport, when he discovers his rental car is missing?

Give up?

You're useless.

Here it is, classic.


June 27, 2009

Movie Munchie

If one is feeling a bit peckish after Dori Toh's yummy pizza baguettes I highly recommend the new Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Macadamia Ice-cream.

Its creamy chocolate ice-cream swirled with vanilla ice-cream and chocolate covered macadamia nuts.

Nummy nummy!

And also to make you feel less guilty for eating just know that the sugar, vanilla and cocoa in it are all Fairtrade ingredients.



June 24, 2009

Sex and the City (The Movie)

Directed by: Michael Patrick King (Will & Grace, Sex and the City (the series))
Written by: Michael Patrick King, Candace Bushnell (Lipstick Jungle, Sex and the City)

Cast:
Foot Face
Emmy from Mannequin
Charlotte
Lesbian
Mr.Big
Absolut Hunk (humminah humminah humminah)
Baldy
Steve
Chick from American Idol
Gay Best Friend #1
Gay Best Friend #2
Ginger Kid With No Soul

Ok so I'm sure we all know the whole Sex and the City story, the movie is a like a big giant episode.

We're re-introduced to Foot Face in the beginning, who's still with Mr.Big, still living in New York, and has written three more books.
Charlotte is still married to lovely Baldy and they have adopted Asian Baby.
Lesbian is still living in Brooklyn where we left her, with Steve and Ginger Kid With No Soul.
Emmy from Mannequin has moved to LA where she lives with and manages the Absolut Hunk.

Cut to Foot Face and Mr.Big apartment hunting together, they find a fabulous penthouse apartment, Foot Face moans about lack of closet space, Mr.Big offers to buy apartment for them both - LUCKY BITCH.

The four girls all meet up to go to an auction of fancy things that this chick that was dumped once owned. Emmy from Mannequin sees an amazing ring that she wants, she loses in the bidding war with anonymous bidder. The girls are worried about Foot Face not really owning the new apartment and not having legal rights cause Mr.Big is just her "manfriend".

Foot Face tells Mr.Big that the girls are worried, they decide to get married he offers to buy her a ring, she says she wants a big closet instead - STUPID COW.
Foot Face tells all the girls about the whole marriage thing, Emmy from Mannequin is not to happy.

In Emmy from Mannequin's office in LA she has an Absolut Hunk wall - note to self - find someone who can do that on bedroom wall.

Foot Face finds her wedding dress, it's a vintage suit, it's really cute actually.

Foot Face gets the chance to do a photo shoot for Vogue magazine, in lots of pretty wedding dresses, especially a fab Vivienne Westwood dress, which later on she sends to Foot Face. Despite the fabulous dress she still looks rather horse like.

Some more soppy stuff happens. Foot Face decides she wants the wedding in a big giant library place.

Back to Lesbian who snaps at Steve in a restaurant, they go home and have sex, she tells him to like hurry up, he gets pissed off. She tells all the girls, they discuss it, Lesbian kinda feels bad.

Foot Face heads over to Mr.Big's apartment and they start going at it on the balcony - LUCKY COW.

In LA the Absolut Hunk gives Emmy from Mannequin the ring from the auction (yes, yes he was the anonymous bidder) she gets frisky, he just wants to go to bed (it's only cause he had done seriously bad and naughty things to me earlier that day).

Back in the new penthouse Foot Face get her fabulous closet and leaves seriously sexual shoes there.

All the girls help Foot Face move out of her apartment, this is a nice chicky flicky bit in the movie.

Steve tells Lesbian that he cheated on her, she is really pissed off. She tells the girls she's leaving, they like Steve so the ask her if there is any way she could forgive him.

Foot Face continues making these big huge wedding plans, Mr.Big gets a bit pissed off cause he's been married twice before and feels like she's making the whole thing into a circus. He just wants her and not a big show. They kiss and make up....blah blah blah.

Cut to the big rehearsal dinner, everything is going great, until Steve shows up. He asks Lesbian to forgive him she gets pissed off and tells Mr.Big that he's crazy to get married and that marriage ruins everything. He starts freaking out.

The Girls are at Charlotte's house, its the night before the wedding. Mr.Big calls Foot Face and says he's having trouble writing his vows Foot Face calms in down, everything seems to be going well......

Until......

Duh duh duuuhhhhh!

The Wedding Day!
Everybody is all dressed up, and once again despite, having her hair done, fab dress on and make-up done, Foot Face still looks rather horsish.
They all arrive at the library, Mr.Big is late, he had showed up and freaked out then left. He calls Foot Face and tells her he can't go through with it. The whole shabang is called off Foot Face and the rest of the bunch all leave, then as they are driving away, Mr.Big realises he fucked up and tries to get back to the library but runs into Foot Face along the way and she bates the shite outta him with her flowers.

Cue sobbing like a baby.

They all head back to Charlotte's place, Foot Face drowns her sorrows in some yummy vodka. Lesbian tells Charlotte what she said to Mr.Big at the rehearsal dinner, she tells her not to tell Foot Face and that it probably wasn't the reason he freaked out and left.

They all decide to head to Mexico on what would've been the honeymoon. Foot Face sleeps for days wallowing in self pity.
Charlotte only wants to eat chocolate pudding cause it was made in America and she fears the Mexican food.
Foot Face wonders if she'll ever laugh or be happy again, Emmy from Mannequin wonders how she let her life revolve around a man.
Funniest bit in the film, Charlotte "poughkipsied" her pants, must be from all the chocolate pudding.

Cue a lot of laughter.

Then Foot Face moves back into her apartment, and hires Chick from American Idol to help her out. Charlotte finds out she's pregnant, with Non-Asian Child and Emmy from Mannequin tells the Absolut Hunk that she feels disconnected from him, her new job and her new life in LA. Boo hoo hoo cry me a river.

Cut to New Year's Eve. Steve comes to pick up Ginger Kid with no soul from Lesbian, is it just me or does he sometimes look "special"?? Charlotte is playing happy families with Baldy, Asian Baby and Bun In The Oven. Lesbian feels all alone and calls Foot Face, who comes over and they got all sappy, cue tears...some not a lot.

At this point I think everybody is thinking where the happily ever after and whens it gonna get here?? I'll get to it as quick as possible.

Blah blah blah.

Valentines Day. Lesbian tells Foot Face about what she said to Mr.Big at the rehearsal dinner, Foot Face freaks out a bit and tells Lesbian that she thinks she's stupid for not forgiving Steve.

Blah blah more soppy stuff.

Lesbian and Steve go to counselling and like talk things out then the counsellor chick tells them not to talk for ages and then if they are both ready and willing to forgive and forget that they meet on a bridge and everything will be all better than. So then Lesbian does some thinking and decides to go to the bridge, and for like a sec we think Steve hasn't shown up but then we see him and they kiss and make up.

Cue uncontrollable sobbing and snotting all over everything.

Blah blah more stuff happens.

At some point here Emmy from Mannequin breaks up with the Absolut Hunk - COMPLETE AND UTTER DUMBASS.

Then Charlotte sees Mr.Big and she like totally goes into labour, and he brings her to the hospital and waits until she has Non-Asian Baby. Then Foot Face shows up and Baldy tells her that Mr.Big wrote to her loads and she's all "Nuh uh!" then she goes home and finds all these lovely emails from him, cue some more tears.

Then she goes back to the Penthouse apartment to get the seriously sexual shoes that she left there, and Mr.Big is there and she runs to him and they kiss and make-up. Then he proposes to her and uses the shoes instead of a ring (sweetest thing ever, he was probably being economical in these recessionary times).

Then it cuts to them getting married in City Hall, it's just him and her the way it always should have been, and he's all lovely to her, cue some more tears...again some, not a lot.

That's more or less the end of the movie, pretty good ending I say.
Everybody lives happily ever after.

Verdict: Pretty good movie, like the kind you could watch a few times. It'd be good to watch with the girlies, during a topless slumber party* or even by yourself with a pint of ice-cream and a bottle of vodka, you know just an average night in.
I look forward to the next one, I may have to eventually let the Absolut Hunk out of my basement.




*one does not have to participate in a topless slumber party, unless they want too. I only say this so that any male readers of this post will not have there dreams shattered when they find out that all we really do at slumber parties is wear baggy clothes, pig out on bad food and bitch about them. No naked pillow fights.

Mmmmovie Munchies: baguette pizzas

Let's face it, darlings, there’s no finer late night movie snackage than a takeaway pizza, but ordering in is an expensive business. Never fear, it’s almost as easy to knock up a few of these little beauties as it is to pick up the phone and part with your hard earned cash, so next time you go shopping, throw a couple of extra bits in the trolley and movie munchies fit for a king can be yours. You’ll need:



1 french stick (or a couple of part-baked baguettes, baked according to pack instructions)
1 clove garlic
Leftover tomato sauce (or a jar of tomato pasta sauce)
1 ball of mozzarella, grated
About 100g cheddar, grated
Couple of slices ham or bacon, chopped
1 chilli
Some thyme or basil
Parmesan

So first, cut your baguettes into two or three pieces and halve each piece. Stick them under the grill for a couple of minutes until they just start to get a little brown and crisp. Next, cut your clove of garlic in half and rub all over the cut surface of the bread (you need asbestos fingers for this bit, but it’s well worth it).


Now spoon a bit of tomato sauce onto each slice, spread it about and top with a little of each cheese:
...then basically throw on any other toppings you fancy (I used slices of ham, some chopped chilli and some herbs out of the garden, but use whatever you have leftover in the fridge).

Bung them under the grill for a couple of minutes until golden and bubbling, and devour in front of the telly whilst congratulating yourself on your resourcefulness.

June 18, 2009

The Matrix


Directors and Screenwriters:
The Wath, the wach, the watchos, two blokes called Larry and Andy.

Cast:
Ted "Theodore" Logan
Ike Turner
Some chick who looks hot in leather, but not face to face
The Vendetta dude

Story:
Ted wants to get to the next level of a super addictive computer game. There's only one dude who can show him how to be better, he calls himself Morph, but that's the name of a great plasticine character from the 80's and we all know he's Ike Turner. He ain't foolin' no one.

Veriew:
Right, pay attention.

There's a chick with a silly name that reminds me of Noel V Ginnity every time I hear it and she's in a dark room dressed in PVC and leather. She looks hot in it, but not face to face.
She's trying to keep a long distance thing going, but Skype wasn't around then so the outfit is a bit redundant.
Then she gets interrupted by the poh-leece who are backed up by the Feds, the FBI, not the relatives of a Britney ex. This pisses her off majorly and she kicks the collective asses of the 5-0. The Feds come to see what the bru ha ha is and V Ginnity does a runner and faxes herself back to the office. Seriously.

So Ted "Theodore" Logan is stuck in a job as a transponster or something and he proper hates it, but he sticks at it because there's a recession on. When he's not at work he sits at home and plays a game online. I'd say it was World of Warcraft, but that wasn't around at the time, so we'll say he was addicted to playing Snake on his Nokia.

He's getting all frazzled and seeing messages that he didn't want, but we all know all he has to do it reply with "stop" and he won't get them anymore.
He goes to a massive S&M party where Ted is all like on a downer cos he lost his high score to some bird called Noel V Ginnity. So V Ginnity, tells him that Ike Turner is on to him and wants to have a bit of a chin wag to discuss Snake strategies.

So then Ted is all like "Woah"

And V Ginnity is all like "I know, right?"

So while Ted does an awesome and slightly comical air guitar and wonders what Bill s Preston Esq would do, he has to get back to work.
He's at work and he gets a rollicking for being late or Twittering on company time or something so he's sulking back at his desk when he gets a special delivery.

He opens it and it's a brand spanky new Nokia phone and he's like: "Woah, Snake 3.0 is totally on this, dude! I can't wait!"

Before he can kick back and snake it up right nice, the phone rings and it's Ike.

He's all like: "Your name is Ted, but from now on we'll call you Nemo."

Ted's like: "No way, you totally found me"

Ike's like: "I know and Disney will make a fucking fortune out of that, but for now you're in danger"

Ted's like: "Woah"

Ike's like: "I know, right?"

So Ike does some proper Jedi voodoo and gets Ted out of his cubicle and tells him to climb down the outside of the building and get away from the Feds that are there to arrest him for beating the all time high score on Snake and only leaving his initials on the scoreboard, or something.

Ted's like: "Fuck you Ike, I ain't climbing down no building like a sucker"

So Ted gets his ass arrested and pleads the 5th.

Back at the Fed's gaff, the Vendetta dude who's like in charge of the Feds, or the Headfed, if you will, is playing good cop/bad cop all by himself.

Ted flips him off and asks for his phone call, but they don't give it to him because now is not the time to be fucking about playing Snake. So they put a freaky ball gag on him and put a robot insecty thing in his belly button.

Ted's all like "Woah! WOAH WOAH, Dude, WOAH! No way, dude, NOT COOL!"

But he's all gagged and shit so it's muffled and sounds like he's face first in a laundry basket at the kinky mercy of Dot Cotton.

Dot Cotton, unavailable for comment at this time

Ted wakes up and thinks it's all a dream until the phone rings and it's Ike again. Ike wants Ted to come out and play and discuss some Snake strategies and Ted agrees.

So he gets picked up in a car by V Ginnity and the chick from Roxette and they pull the insecty thingy out of his belly button again.

They take him to see Ike and they bump fists and get down to talking about Snake strategies. Ike tells Ted that he has to take a pill to find out all about the secrets of Snake or take another one and forget all about everything.
Ted's pretty sure that he's used the pills that make people forget about stuff before and he's like "Naw man, I'll take the other one, this Snake is really bugging the shit out of me"

So he takes the proper pill and he starts tripping, like after a bowl of magic mushroom cereal and a splash of ice cold LSD kind of tripping. He freaks out and gets super paranoid so they fax him down a phone line just like V Ginnity did with herself earlier. Seriously.

Next thing we see Ted in a huge bath of pink goo with tubes coming out of everywhere and before we can even make a joke about a Michael Barrymore party, he slips down a shoot and ends up in a pool, writing the joke for us.

He gets picked up and taken to a ship that looks like reject drawings from the Alien movies. There he gets acupuncture'd up to the eyeballs and sleeps for about a month.

He meets the crew of the ship and they're all like "Dude, you're totally the one to beat Snake once and for all".

Then, all of this happens:

* Ike becomes Mr Miyagi and teaches Ted the ways of beating bullies.
* Ted visits a psychic for €2.50 a minute but she's just like the rest and tells him shit he already knows.
* The Feds capture Ike and hook him up to a machine, but if none of it is really real why would the machine work?
* The bald guy on the crew kills everybody on the ship, that's kind of important, but not really.
* Ted and V Ginnity go back to rescue Ike and shoot the place up like the best game of Duck Hunt ever.
* Ted gets shot at by the Feds and dodges bullets in a way that would make Mr Miyagi proud.


* V Ginnity and Ted get a helicopter and rescue Ike showing off the kick ass special effects.
* Vendetta guy chases Ted, a lot.
* They fight, a lot.
* They fight some more, a lot. In slow motion with rotaty cameras and everything.
* Vendetta guy pumps Ted full of lead and wrecks every one's head and high fives the Feds.
* V Ginnity tells dead Ted that she really wants a shift so he comes back to life in the game of Snake and kicks the Vendetta guys ass scaring the shit out of the Feds.
* Ted explains that he's there to free every one's mind and that you too can beat Snake even on the highest level, and flies off like Superman without warning us that the sequels are going to be more full of shit than a neglected baby's nappy.

Verdict:
This movie had it all, a crazy story line that we all secretly wanted to be true, trend setting effects and cool threads. Even if Keanu Reeves is the lead, it's still a great movie that will take you a couple of views to completely get what's going on.
Sit back, enjoy and then trawl the net for people who are convinced we all actually live in a real live game of Snake.

June 13, 2009

Munchie Of The Week

Skittles!

Wanna get super duper hyper during your movie night, and wreck everyone's head? Skittles are the way to go but remember if you don't colour co ordinate and eat them in order of the rainbow colours your family will die.

June 11, 2009

Gone in 60 Seconds

Director:
Dominic Sena (No, me neither)

Producer:
Jerry (Realising The Lone Ranger wasn't a Superhero, so maybe shouldn't be making a movie of him, after all he made the same assumption with Kangaroo Jack) Bruckheimer

Screenwriter:
Scott Rosenberg - This gig was kind of a given since he wrote Kangaroo Jack for Jerry

Cast:
Ghost Rider
Lara Croft
Bullet Tooth Tony
Frank Jr that got Pheobe in Friends up the pole
One of Ocean's 11
Robert, erm Duvall
Evil English Gangsta Carpenter

Story:
Right, so Frank Jr took a job from Evil English Gangsta Carpenter to leave lots of cars up on bricks a la Ballymun, but he nearly gets caught by the poh-leece. So Evil English Gangsta Carpenter tells Ghost Rider that he has to take the job to save his brother, Frank Jr. He doesn't want to, ooh the inner conflict.

Veriew:
The following is a description of what a local Garda called "Ve-hick-u-lar Pornography".

So Frank Jr starts off stealing a cock on four wheels known as a Porsche and then does the obligatory thing of showing us that he's a bigger cock than the car he's just stolen to make us think he's always in trouble and a lost cause.
He starts a joyride by chatting up a girl at some red lights and then the poh-leece start chasing him to his hideout.
He and his posse nearly gets busted by the poh-leece so they run to their boss, Evil English Gangsta Carpenter.

In the meantime, Ghost Rider is running a go kart center for the kiddies and one of his old posse comes to see him and tell him that Frank Jr is in trouble with Evil English Gangsta Carpenter. Ghost Rider doesn't want to back to his old ways of leaving cars up on bricks in Ballymun, but he might not have a choice. What a story.

Back at the Evil English Gangsta Carpenter's hideout, Frank Jr has got him really pissed off and finds himself in a car crusher like in Superman 3. Remember that with the weird evil twin Superman? Just like that. Frank Jr is about to be brown bread when big bro Ghost Rider shows up to save the day.

Conversation goes like this:

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "I want some totally rad cars, man"

Ghost Rider - "I hear ya dude, just can't help"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "I'll have to crush your bro to the max, then"

Frank Jr - "Those is funny jokes, man. Ha ha ha"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Quiet you."

Ghost Rider - "I promised so many people I'd never leave cars up on bricks in Ballymun."

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Hairy muff, your bro get's crushed"

Frank Jr - "Yo man, aw dude, I just pissed myself"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Oi, less gushin', more crushin asshole"

Frank Jr - "Agh, mammy"

Ghost Rider - "Fine I'll do it"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "Of course you will, what would we have done, called the film "Prematurely over in 12 minutes?""

Frank Jr - "Thank fuck for that"

Evil English Gangsta Carpenter - "So that'll be 50 top cars in 4 days or I'll pop a cap in all y'all asses"

So back at Frank Jr's place and he's all like, "Yo bro, I 'preciate your help and all and anyways, but I got this covered. I'll drop him over a few Almeras and the odd Peugeot and it'll be grand". But Ghost Rider gets all serious in the only way he knows how and is like "No, you won't".

Sorted.

Wait, no it's not.

Ghost Rider has to go and get his old crew together otherwise he won't be able to pull this job off. Half are dead, half are in prison and the final half don't want to know.
But he persists with the half that don't want to know and he ends up recruiting Robert Duvall, a black dude and Bullet Tooth Tony, who thankfully doesn't say a word. Until the end, but we'll get to that.

Lastly he has to recruit Lara Croft, so he goes to the local orphanage, but she hasn't been there yet. He goes to Billy Bob's place, but she left ages ago. He goes to Jennifer Aniston's gaff but she's too busy rubbing everyone's nose in it that she has Brad Pitt so she's no use.

So finally he finds Lara Croft in a garage under a car where she's plotting her way around orphanages and stealing Brad Pitt.

Ghost Rider is like, "Aw c'mon be a pal and steal some motors with me".

But she's all like "Dude, no way."

Then he's like "Pretty please with a poxy cherry on top?"

Then she's like "Fine, just this once then I have to get back to buying babies and stealing Brad Pitts."

Sweet.

So they go about planning how they're gonna steal all them cars in one night but the poh-leece show up and get all Columbo on their asses.

It's at this point that the story takes a back seat and the car porn takes over.

They steal some cars.

Something happens to make the think about stopping stealing cars.

They decide to steal more cars.

Lara Croft nearly gets a portion off Ghost Rider.

They steal some more cars.

They steal some more - wait - is that the poh-leece?

They think about stopping stealing cars again.

They decide to steal more cars.

There's just one car left over to steal and it's the one that Ghost Rider has always tried to steal but something always goes wrong with it when he drives it. It's a Fiat, I think.

He steals the Fiat and the Poh-leece are all over him like snot bubbles on a toddler. A massively complicated and choreographed car chase takes them all over the city. There might as well be banjo music playing because everytime the poh-leece get even close, Ghost Rider gets away in his Fiat.

He gets chased by poh-leece cars, the poh-leece helicopter and everyone else, but he hits the nitro button and the Fiat is outta there.


They end up on a bridge with a traffic jam, and we think that Ghost Rider's goose is cooked and he's like "Naw man, naw".

So he makes the Fiat jump over about 7 miles of tailbacks and storms up to the docks where Evil English Gangsta Carpenter is awaiting the arrival of his last car. But Ghost Rider is 12 minutes late for his deadline and Evil English Gangsta Carpenter won't accept the deal.

So Ghost Rider puts the smack down on Evil English Gangsta Carpenter and throws him over a flight of stairs and makes him brown bread. He's also made brown bread of pretty much everybody except the key grip and it kind of makes you wonder why he did't just do that at the start. Then the fillum might have been called "Credits roll after 19 minutes, but you'll thank us when you see the full version".
Anywho, by kicking everyone sqaure in the nuts and saving the day, he has also saved the life of the poh-leece man who was also there if I haven't mentioned that bit already.

The poh-leece is all conflicted because he wants to bring Ghost Rider down town Lester Brown, but he lets him go on account of the whole life saving thing.

So the bad guy is dead and everyone is happy. They're all sitting around putting shrimps on the barbie and Lara Croft and Ghost Rider are about to totally get it on right in front of everyone and then Bullet Tooth Tony pipes up with some amount of shite.
It's supposed to make it look like he only says something meaningful at the right time, but instead it makes him look like a tool.

Frank Jr buys Ghost Rider a Fiat of his own complete with PUNTO written across the back window just like bigger boys have, but he has to do a lot of work on it. Typical Fiats.

Everyone lives happily ever after apart from Ghost Rider's career and Jennifer Aniston. I don't need to explain why.

Verdict:
Send your common sense to the pub for a few while you watch this, because it's just nonsense. But good nonsense. A pure popcorn classic. Or porn, depending on how you like cars and speed.

June 9, 2009

The Exorcist

Director:
Some dude (William Friedkin might be a more house hold name if he hadn't taken three times the schedule and a fuck load extra money to make The Exorcist. He pissed off Warner Bros good and proper.)

Screenwriter:
William Peter Blatty - He wrote the buke too.

Cast:
A couple of priests
A poh-leece dude more suspicious than Columbo playing Cluedo, but less threatening than a Care Bear helping a unicorn across the road.
An actress playing an actress.
A 12 year old with a mad case of ADD
The Paedo ghost
JC - (He doesn't actually show up, if he did his role is uncredited)

Story:
A 12 year old girl gets a bit fucked up because she messed around with an Ouija board and gets possessed by a ghost with a proper paedo name. So she gets all freaky and they bring in doctors and girl whisperers but none of them get shit done. This is before Supernanny, so they call in the priests. They call up the JC and compel us to shit ourselves.
Couldn't she just play Buckeroo! instead? That might be a fillum worth watching, a little girl possessed by the spirit of a plastic donkey. Exorcism ritual sold separately.

Veriew:
Right so there's an old priest who's in Iraq. He must be digging for oil but he'll never get anywhere pretending to be Indiana Jones with those little tools. Just as he's about to give up and give Lucy Kenneddy a buzz to make the Big Switch, he finds a little trinket. It's a nasty little devil thing.
He doesn't look happy to see it, probably because he knows that it won't sell that quickly in the local market.
It doesn't and he's still got none of that pesky oil, so he leaves the fillum in a huff but not before a massive demony statue thingy with a massive chubby shows up and waves it at him.

So with no oil, a grumpy priest and a horny demon it's no wonder the director pissed off Warner Bros. I mean if you want to blow smoke up someone's ass, make a movie about an oil diggin priest who makes demons horny, in Iraq. That should pretty much do it. So Warner Bros kicked his hole back to Washington and he gets on with the rest of the fillum.

Back in Washington there's a famous actress we've never heard of making a fillum we'll never see, it's as if the director is just flipping Warner Bros off at this point.
The actress has a daughter and house servants.
She goes home to the house servants and her daughter is playing in the basement with the Ouija board and the paedo ghost. The ghost calls himself Captain Howdy. It's at this point that I wonder how many times that appears on sex registers around the world.

While I'm wondering this, we get introduced to another priest and I realise that there might be a religious undertone to this fillum. The priest's mother is sick and he's losing his faith and I'm sure something else happened but I went for a whizz.

When I got back the daughter was in the hosdible getting all kinds of freaky shit done to her by the doctors and girl whisperers. She's acting really weird and using language that would make a drunk sailor blush so she gets sent home. Her mother hasn't the foggiest notion what to be doing, so she does the responsible thing and has a party in her gaff for all her fillum buddies. She instantly becomes a role model for mothers everywhere. Then another different priest turns up at the party and now I'm certain that there's an undertone of religion to the fillum and I try to pay attention to figure it out.

As I'm right in the middle of paying attention, the second priest's mother dies.

Back at the party and the daughter comes down to see what all the commotion is and witnesses a sing song in the living room. Like all people in the world, she hates sing songs at the ends of parties and as a sign of protest, she cocks her leg and marks her territory all over the floor. That'll learn them to have a fucking sing song, bastards. Take that, society.

So the actress takes her daughter back to the doctors and they still don't know shit. They suggest a priest do an exorcism, but she doesn't know where to find one. Oh, wait.

While all of this is going on, the director of the movie we'll never see gets thrown out of the daughters window and inspires a new home video series "When falls go bad". He dies and the non threatening Poh-leece turn up and start asking questions.

With the daughter now good and properly possessed by demons she starts doing things like backwards crab walks down the stairs and making a woman out of herself with the help of a crucifix and getting caught up in the moment and ordering her mother to chow down on her. But we've all had trouble with teenage hormones, so it might not be the paedo demons.
Might not be, but is.

Duh duh duuuuhhhhhh.

So the priest with no faith comes over to see what the dillyeo is and sees a young girl tied to a four poster bed with no witnesses. I know what you're thinking - a priest all alone with a young girl all tied up to a four poster bed with no witnesses, I thought the same thing.

What 12 year old has a four poster bed?

The priest was thinking the same thing and just as he's trying to get his head around this the little wench hurls all over him. Proper projectile-been-out-the-night-before-and-had-17-jagerbombs-followed-by-a-giant-house-special-kebab kind of vomiting.
Properly grossed out he's all like OMG, WTF? And the demon is all like ROFL sucker, who you gonna call?

So he goes and calls his peeps and he's all like "Dudes, she's totally possessed and shit"

And they're like "For real bro?"

And he's like "Fo sho"

So he kisses the older priests ring and the older priest from the start of the fillum shows up and he's all like "I'm gonna get that demon fucker, he's the one that shook his mickey at me back in Iraq"

It's so on.

Back in the daughter's bedroom and the priests are gearing for the ultimate smackdown. The demon thinks this is hilarious and asks the older priest to fuck it in the ass. He contemplates it but gets distracted by the thought of a 12 year old with her own 4 poster bed and she vomits on him too.

The other priest is all like "Aw, snap dawg. That shit happened me, it's well funny when it happens to someone else though"

So the showdown happens with lots of shouting and screaming and holy water and then the daughter levitates up off the bed in a move that Keith Barry would wet himself to be able to do. Then they start shouting that the power of Christ compels her, but they shout it so many times I start to think how good it might sell if I put a drum and bass line under it.

The demons make her turn her head around and all other kinds of freaky shit. We don't get to see it, but while the younger priest is out the demon probably shook his mickey at the older priest again, because when we see him he's brown bread. He's brown breader than the Green Party and the demon nearly shits itself laughing at the whole thing.

The younger priest, with a new found faith goes ape shit and beats the holy b'jesus out of the daughter and tells the demon to posses him instead. It does and he jumps out the same window that the director was pushed out of. He falls down the steps and gets brown bread himsmelf.

The girl is all better now and everyone lives happily ever after. Apart from the people who are brown bread obviously. They all go on to live long lives until some loser came along and made The Exorcist 2 - The Return of the Mickey Shaker.

Verdict:
Quite easily the scariest movie I have ever seen and it remains to be no matter what rubbish wannabe horror movie makers want to conjour up.
Turn the lights out, watch it on your own and then try to go to bed. I dare you.

June 8, 2009

8 Mile


Written by Scott Silver and directed by Curtis Hanson (LA Confidential, In Her Shoes and The Wonder Boys).

Cast:
Sex on legs
Dr. Gregory Pratt
The good looking Baldwin's ex beeyotch
Tai from Clueless
Brat
Other rappers guys
Other factory guys

With special appearances by Xzibit and Obi Trice.

Sex on legs is an aspiring rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, he has a dream of getting a recording deal. He gots a lotta problems to deal with.

The movie starts with him acting the maggot in front of a mirror, then he gets too excited and ralphs all over the shop. He got some bitch issues so he has to move in with mama (sexy Baldwin's ex). But not after getting stage fright at a club. He takes up a dead-end job at a like factory place, so he can save enough money to make a demo tape, but he keeps like freaking out and gets major slaggings from all these other rapper guys. Oh yeah though in a blondee bratty kid sister and his like best friend Dr. Pratt in there as well.

His life starts to pick up, when he meets Tai from Clueless who takes an interest in him like the skank that she is. Then Dr. Pratt signs him up to rap again at a club cause he thinks he's got talent, sex on legs is shit scared! Then this like dodgy rapper guy tells him that he can get him a demo tape done for free but playa has said shit like that before and he ain't eva followed through.

Things get kinky in the factory, very hot!

Not everything stays all great, moneys tight, he catches Tai from Clueless cheating on him with the dodgy rapper guy, and then he gets in a huge fight with Alec's exs' loser boyfriend and he throws him out.

He gets the crap beated outta him by these bad rapper guys, then he has some issues with Dr. Pratt and the rest of posse.

Then all is good again, he goes to rap on stage and just to spite the other rapper guy he uses all the crap in his own life to rap about so then the other guy has nothing to say. Sex on legs wins!

Verdict - Eminem I so would!
It was a good movie didn't involve a lot of thinking, which Candy can't take to much off.

Deadly soundtrack.

June 2, 2009

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Director:
Michel "Can't spell Michael properly cos I'm French" Gondry

Writers:
Charlie "Get some Benelyn and sort out that" Kaufman
Michel "You stupeed Ireesh, zat is ow you spell my name" Gondry

Cast:
Lloyd Christmas
Yer wan from Titanic
Fucking Frodo
Mary Jane Watson from Spiderman

Story:
In a time when people can't deal with breaking up, they use a machine to completely remove their ex from their memory.
Ireland has 4 million of these on order to rid our memories of Fianna Fáil, among other things.

Veriew:
Yer wan from Titanic looks hawt in blue hair, red hair, green hair and she has that weird wanna do her but don't know why vibe going on.


Lloyd Christmas reverts to his child self at one stage and Fucking Frodo and Mary Jane Watson from Spiderman do some stuff to Lloyd Christmas' mind that makes it eternally sunshiny because it's spotless, or something.

This fillum is harder to follow than Stephen Hawking's wheelchair instructions. By it's very name it will leave your mind properly spotless because your mind will pack it's bags and fuck right off out of protest.
Gondry takes a great big bottle of mind Cif and scrubs away every last thread of your being, but because he leaves behind a pleasant lemony scent, all is forgiven.
A fillum you'll be scratching your head after, but that's ok because we can't remember what was in there to begin with.

That's all I can say, I can't say no more.

Verdict:
Like time travel during hypnosis coming down from an acid trip.
Back your mind up to your hard drive before you watch this fillum, you'll need to reboot it later. It's not a bad fillum, it's actually very good. I still can't figure out why though.

June 1, 2009

Clueless

Directed By: Amy Heckerling (All the "Look Who's Talking" movies):

Cast:
Alicia Silverstone - "Cher"
Stacey Dash - "Dionne"
Bitch from 8Mile
Mike from Friends
Dr. Turk
SK8R boi / Pothead
Rich Boy
Closet Boy
Nerdy female teacher
Nerdy male teacher
Daddy
A bunch of other people

Story:

Very loosely based on Jane Austen's, "Emma."

Veriew:

High school teenagers in Beverly Hills some who have been "named after singers who now do infomercials."

They constantly change outfits, have nose jobs, talk in a very grown up vocabulary on their giant mobile phones, and concern themselves with everybody elses, except their own, social lives.

How ditzy, rich or popular can one girl be? Cher can be all three things quite easily and still have perfect style, blond hair and a manicure. She lives in Beverly Hills and attempts to drive Jeep. With her best friend, Dionne, whose a sassy Barbie too, she's got it all.

Or has she?
When she starts flunking at school, she uses everything her lawyer daddy taught her and negotiates with her teachers for better grades, giving them every excuse from boy problems to women's troubles. Most of the teachers except these excuses, except for Nerdy Male Teacher.

Enter ex step brother, Mike from Friends, college student, Eco warrior, plaid flannel shirt wearing, grunge music listening, all round nice guy. He offends Cher by basically calling her selfish, she needs to prove him wrong.

New girl, Bitch from 8Mile, comes to school and Cher decides to do the unselfish thing and make her over. But Bitch from 8Mile's crush for Rich Boy, is soon ended when he makes a move on Cher!

Don't fret her heart's mended by good clean Closet Boy.

Cher then does everything to attract Closet Boy, who is later revealed to Cher to be gay!! So much for all her hard work.

Cher also does a spot of match making on Nerdy Male Teacher and Nerdy Female Teacher, in a way to up her grades.

Then Bitch from 8Mile gets freaked out by some idiots at the mall, and becomes more popular than our lead Cher! Cher then becomes "way confused" when Bitch from 8Mile starts falling for Mike from Friends.

She realises she feels annoyed cause she loves Mike from Friends, he's "kind of a Baldwin."

She then decides she needs to give her soul a makeover. She does charity work, in an attempt to impress Mike from Friends, he soooooo notices her now! And she does more match making between Bitch from 8Mile and SK8R boi / Pothead.

She then learns that Mike from Friends is in love with her! And they kiss on the big marble staircase!

Nerdy Male Teacher and Nerdy Female Teacher get married, with Cher being Maid of Honour and all.

Through all the up and downs, the heartbreaks and the drama, Cher finds true love and isn't so Clueless anymore!

Bonus Clueless Lingo:
"Whatever" - I don't really care.
"A Betty" - A gorgeous woman, a reference to Betty Garble.
"A Baldwin" - A gorgeous man, a reference to the gorgeous Baldwin brothers, except for Stephen and Daniel.
"Full on Monet"- To look nice from far away but up close, not so much.
"Ralph" - To vomit.
"Wiggin" - Irritated
"Way" - Very. Eg. "That teacher was way harsh!"
"Buggin" - Freaked out.


Verdict:
It's easy to watch with not brainpower involved. Butter the popcorn and leave your common sense at the door.

May 29, 2009

Transformers

Director - Michael "Blow the world up, watch them burn" Bay

Executive Producer
- Stephen "The powers of my genius are in my beard" Speilberg

Cast -
Fuck head
Megan Foxy
White stereotypical hero soldier
Black stereotypical "Say what?" soldier
Latin stereotypical says everything in Spanish soldier
Ginger soldier, there's always one
Bernie Mac's ghost
Inspector Ned Kenny from "The General"
Some hot Australian chick
One of Jim Carrey's black sons from "Me, Myself and Irene", except he's lost a lot of weight
Original Optimus Prime
Jesus from The Big Lebowski
Shit load of army dudes
Shit load of Transformers

Story -
Right, so the Transformers lost their Rubix cube wotsit and they think they left it down the back of our couch. They want it back, but are fighting over it. The good Transformers want to use it for good and prove they can solve the puzzle. The bad Transformers couldn't be arsed and want to rip all the stickers off and put them back on to look like they've solved it proper, hence looking like they're all that.
Fuckhead gets caught in the middle.

Veriew -
The Transformers come to Earth in search of their Rubix cube and they need the help of Fuckhead.
In the meantime, the army has it's head up it's arse because a bad Transformer has already ripped them a new one. They would have seen it coming, but white soldier was too busy Skyping his missus and black soldier dude was off at a bbq. Latin soldier was confusing everybody with his Spanish and ginger soldier was fuck all use to anybody because he had sunburnt himself and was peeling like a beyotch.

Fuckhead goes to by a new car from Bernie Mac's ghost and the car he buys turns out to be his very own Transformer. The Transformer is in the form of some famous old American car, but it's the equivalent of a Nissan Almera circa 1997.
Fuckhead takes his Transmera to a lake party to pick up the bonerific Megan Foxy and to the astonishment of the civilised world, it works.
Later that night, the Transmera does a runner to a random, vague warehouse/plant/shipyard type place, and turns into a giant that is so spectacular George Lucas gets a hard on just thinking about the invoice he'll do up for ILM's work on it.
Fuckhead gets arrested. Happy days.

The next day, Fuckhead gets chased by his Transmera to some disused area under a motorway and looks for help from the poh-leece. But, the poh-leece car turns out to be a big evil Transformer, and asks him about his Ebay account. This is why you can't run away from negative seller info on Ebay, it'll always come back to kick your ass. Fuckhead doesn't know what's going on, but Megan Foxy turns up and then the Transmera turns up and takes Fuckhead and Megan Foxy away from the poh-leece.
The poh-leece car chases the Transmera and just as you think you're watching an episode of "Police, Camera, Tallaght!", the two cars change into giant robots and kick the b'Jesus out of each other.
The Transmera wins, and takes Fuckhead and Megan Foxy to safety. In a moment that cinema should be ashamed of itself for, Megan Foxy climbs onto Fuckhead's lap, where he probably had a chubby.

Just then, Michael Bay realises he has sponsors to keep happy and makes the Transmera turn into a sexier Ford Focus circa 2006, the Transfocus.

The Transfocus takes them to meet the rest of the Transformers and we see the kick ass Optimus Prime and the rest of the posse. The original Optimus Prime has come out of voice actor retirement and made geeks soil themselves.

Optimus Prime is a suped up Harris Hino, and the rest of his buds turn into whatever cars belong to whatever sponsors have made Michael Bay their bitch. There's also a Mr Whippy van in there somewhere.

They tell Fuckhead that his grand daddy's glasses hold the key to finding which couch their Rubix cube is hidden down. They go to Fuckhead's house to find them.

In the meantime, the army are trying to figure out who attacked them in the desert, and a hot Australian chick tells them that it's aliens. They don't believe her. So she goes to get Jim Carrey's formerly fat son from "Me, Myself and Irene" and he also thinks it's aliens. They go and see Inspector Ned Kenny from "The General" and he asks them what they talkin' bout Willis.

While this is going on, the four soldiers are being attacked in a different part of the desert. Lots happens and the ginger gets eaten by the evil transformer that's kicking arse. The soldiers win and go home to see Inspector Ned Kenny.

Back at Fuckhead's house where he searches for the glasses.
They get a knock at the door at a time when you think it might be a very inappropriate time for a Jehovah's witness to call, but it's one better. It's Jesus himself, well The Jesus from "The Big Lebowski", and he's not happy.
He tells everyone that "nobody fucks with The Jesus", because he works for a secret government agency. He arrests everyone including the houseplants.

Right so then all this happens, pay attention:

The Jesus threatens Fuckhead and Megan Foxy.
Optimus Prime, The Transfocus, the Mr Whippy Van and the rest of them turn up to save Fuckhead and Megan Foxy and to harass The Jesus. But no one fucks with The Jesus.
More dudes from the secret agency turn up and resurrect The Jesus from the lamp post he's tied to.
They capture the Transfocus and take it away to the Hoover dam, where the Rubix cube and the big cheese of the evil Transformers have been since long before the fillum started. The Jesus and Inspector Ned Kenny take Fuckhead and Megan Foxy into the dam and show them the daddy of the bad Transformers, Mega Ron. And much to Mega Ron's frustration, he's been right beside the Rubix cube all these years. Ain't that always the way?

Mega Ron is just chillin', lil bit of illin' when Fuckhead convinces The Jesus to let the The Transfocus go from the most invasive NCT ever.

The Transfocus takes the Rubix cube and sticks in his pocket, they all give a finger to the Mega Ron and do a runner. They're too late, because the rest of the evil Transformers eventually turn up to the fillum having taken a wrong turn with their sat navs.

For the rest of the fillum, Michael Bay blows shit up, Fuckhead does a lot of running, Megan Foxy gets sweaty and drives a toe truck, because trust a poxy Ford to break down when it's needed most. The soldiers all do instantly forgettable stuff, and still get signed up for the sequel. The Transformers kick seven shades of shite out of each other trying to get their hands on the Rubix cube, that Fuckhead is running around with.
With no more appearances from the hot Australian or The Jesus, Fuckhead takes charge like a teacher in a playground. He takes the Rubix cube and declares that if they can't share it, then no one will play with it and locks it away in a chest. Mega Ron throws a world class shit fit and dies from tantrum seizures.

Optimus makes a cheesy speech about honour and bravery while holding a piece of Mr Whippy Van in each hand, cos he was ripped apart by the evil Transformers. Personally I think he shouldn't speak at Mr Whippy's funeral if that's the best he could come up with.

Mega Ron is dumped in the sea which leaves it wide open for a sequel, if not with the rest of the Transformers, then maybe in "Finding Nemo 2, Dori comes out".

Everybody is about to live happily ever after when Megan Foxy straddles Fuckhead on the Transfocus and I want to kill everyone in a 5 mile radius.

Optimus Prime says something that in no way hides the notion of a sequel, it went something like, "We're making a second one".

Verdict -
Megan Foxy and the hot Australian needed more scenes together, maybe having a fight. In custard. Apart from that, the movie rocks the house.